


Hope For the Hopeless

by Ficarella



Series: Hope [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Fuck Or Die, M/M, Mind Meld, Oral Sex, Pon Farr, Shower Sex, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-01-10 11:47:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 22,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ficarella/pseuds/Ficarella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something is wrong with Spock. Really wrong. Jim decides to find out what.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Missing Link

Jim exited the lift with a spring in his step and waltzed onto the bridge. So far the 5 year mission was going well. A whole year in and he’d not lost a single crew member. After losing so many, first to Nero and then Khan Jim had worked very hard to keep the casualties down. He didn’t think he could bear facing another grieving family, at least for a while. Smile faltering at the thought he shook it off, ensconcing himself in the now familiar command chair.

‘Sulu, report.’ His new PA handed him a PADD and a coffee which he sipped while Sulu updated him.

‘Nothing new to report Sir. No unexpected readings or anomalies. Star charts progressing well and planetary survey scans all report no life signs and no points of particular interest. Just as quiet as yesterday.’ Sulu smiled at Jim before turning back to his console to continue his work.

Jim sighed, still no new species to interact with or interesting planets to study. Not a single interesting find this week. Jim was beginning to think that Starfleet had given them this bearing on purpose so that Jim’s ratio of casualties to time as captain would decrease.

‘Thank you Sulu.’ Jim glanced down at the PADD and quickly scanned the document, a report on the solar system they were currently surveying and a summary of their findings so far, before signing it and sending it on to Uhura’s terminal for data burst send.

He handed the PADD back to his new PA, ‘Uhura the report on this system just hit your terminal. Please encode the document and forward it to Starfleet in the next data burst. Approximate time until delivery of report following send?’ This far out from the core fleet planets it would take a good while for even data to hit headquarters, video conferences out of the question due to the time delay.

‘About 4 days Sir. Longer if there are dense ion clouds between systems.’

Jim glanced over to Uhura’s station to thank her, a lazy smile on his lips only to notice that Spock was missing from his post. As Uhura turned back to her station to finish the burst Jim frowned. Spock normally spent most of Alpha shift on the bridge and only retired to the science labs during Beta shift and if he were to miss his regular pattern he would let Jim know. The oversight rattled Jim for some reason he couldn’t identify.

Loud enough for the entire bridge to hear Jim asked, ‘And where is our chief science officer today?’

He surveyed the bridge crew closely, noticing a few furtive glances between Sulu and Gregson from engineering.

‘I think that he was feeling unwell this morning and decided to remain in his quarters to ensure that the rest of the crew were not distracted by his illness.’ Uhura’s voice was almost as emotionless as Spocks during a particularly stressful situation as she stared straight ahead at the forward view screen, eyes refusing to meet Jims.

Jim stood, straightening his uniform as he turned towards the ready room doors, ‘Uhura, ready room. Now if you please.’

Jim stalked off the bridge and into his ready room, the sound of Uhura’s boots following loud on the decking. He waited until he heard the doors swoosh shut behind his com officer before turning, a scowl on his face.

Uhura stood stiffly to attention, eyes forward and face a mask of neutrality, the expression Jim was more used to seeing on Spock’s face than hers. At the start of their 5 year exploratory mission Uhura and Spock had seemed pretty solid as a couple. Jim had even seen Spock smile. Then about 5 months ago Spock had requested his shifts changed from Alpha on bridge to Beta. Opposite the times that Uhura would be on the bridge. When Jim had brought it up in their bi-weekly chess match Spock had said that they were no longer in a relationship but wouldn’t elaborate further. Just said that it was for personal reasons. Jim didn’t press his friend for more information. If Spock had wanted to talk about it he would have and Jim would never have the balls to ask Uhura about it. That woman was as hard as nails. The two of them had only just started being in the same room last week and now this happens. Jim let out a heavy sigh and lent against the ready room bulkhead.

Jim let the silence build until it was far past comfortable before asking, ‘So when exactly were you going to mention that Spock was ill?’ He crossed his arms as he spoke, his frown firmly in place.

Uhura didn’t flinch under Jim’s best captain’s stare. ‘When the information was requested or became pertinent. Sir’

Jim hadn’t heard the sarcastic Sir from Uhura in a long time, the return worrying Jim more than Spock’s absence from the bridge and the lack of a message about it.

‘Right and when exactly would that have been? When we were under attack by an alien virus, or when Spock died of whatever this illness is?’ Jim knows he’s being irrational but he can’t find the strength to tamp down the sudden fear clawing at his chest.

Uhura flinches as if Jim had slapped her, her eyes closing to hide the pain from Jim but not soon enough to stop him catching the edges of it. ‘No sir, but Commander Spock requested my silence on this issue and as it is of a more personal matter than that of the captains prerogative I thought it best only to speak of it when spoken too.’

Jim pushes off the bulkhead and moves to stand in front of Uhura, forcing her to meet his eyes for the first time in what Jim realizes now is a long while. ‘So has he asked for Bones? He been to sick bay at least? He’s a doctor so patient confidentiality applies, personal matter or not.’

Uhura keeps Jim’s stare for only a moment before looking away. She sighed, shoulder’s slumping dejectedly, ‘Even McCoy may not be able to help him now, especially since he refuses to help himself. Jim…’ Uhura’s breath hitched as if she was trying to stop herself from crying. Jim lifts his hand to comfort her but he never gets to. Uhura straightens up and stares into Jim’s eyes, ‘Captain, if that is all?,’ the pain is still there in her voice, the unshed tears making her dark eyes shiny.

Gob-smacked Jim agreed, ‘Yes, of course. Thank you Lieutenant.’

Uhura turns and strides back to the bridge, her spine impossibly straight. Jim’s hand drops back to his side limply and he slumps onto the long table, the idea of Spock refusing to help save himself from death making him weak at the knees.

Jim presses his communicator, ‘Captain to sick bay. Bones, report to Commander Spock's quarters immediately, I’ll meet you there.’


	2. Plasma Torches and Threats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim makes it down to Spocks quarters but is suprised by what he finds there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is moving to slow. We will get to the hot steamy stuff eventually. Promise  
> Hope you all enjoy Bones being Bones.

When Jim finally managed to drag himself off the conference table in the ready room to head towards the lift he couldn’t have imagined the scene that would greet him outside his second’s quarters.

Exiting the lift from the bridge Jim could hear Bone’s shouting at the top of his lungs.

‘LISTEN to me you green blooded, son of a bitch! I am the CMO of this ship, which means that I am the one who will say whether or not you are dying, you hear me? Not you, not the Captain and certainly not whatever crazy ass idea that’s wormed its way through that thick Vulcan skull of yours!’ Every sentence was punctuated by McCoy slamming his fist against the closed door of Spock’s quarters. 

Jim just stood, open mouthed and stared. Clearly he’d missed something.

‘SPOCK!’ yelled McCoy, hammering hard enough to actually leave a dent in the metal this time, ‘Open this dammed door or I’m going to… JIM!’ 

Jim closed his mouth with a snap as Bones abandoned his tirade and bounded over to his captain. Clapping Jim on the shoulder he turned to walk Jim back to the still firmly closed door, ‘Talk some sense into him will you? He refuses to listen to me,’ grouched the doctor, throwing his hands in the air in frustration.

‘Bones, bring me up to speed.’ 

‘Nothing to say Jim, that’s the problem.’ Bones waves his hand vaguely at the closed door. ‘I got your message, gathered up my gear, a nurse and hoofed it up here. Met the security team outside the door and tried to buzz in. Nothing.’ The disgusted look on Bone’s face would normally have made Jim smile but instead he just shakes his head in confusion.

‘You mean he didn’t answer?’

Bones grimaces, not able to meet Jim’s eyes. ‘Yeah, I know. Weird. So I hailed Spock on the com, only to be told that my services were not, required.’ Bones makes air quotes around the last world, disdain clear as he turns away from Jim towards nurse Chapel, gathering up his gear before turning again to face his Captain.

‘Did you com him back?’

‘Of course I did! He’s my patient for gods sake man, not to mention the ships 2IC AND our chief science officer! He just kept saying he didn’t need my help and to piss off.’

Jim raises his eyebrows at that, the idea that Spock at any time would tell Bones to piss off is almost enough to make him laugh. Almost. ‘He said that?’

Grumbling, Bones looks away, ‘Not in so many words but that’s the jist of it, yeah. He want’s us to leave him alone because there is nothing we can do to help him. Jim…’ Bones rests both his hand on Kirks shoulders, glancing briefly at his friends face before staring at the carpet, ‘I don’t think he want’s to live through, whatever this is.’ Bones gives Jim’s shoulders a squeeze before letting his hands drop. ‘You need to talk him ‘round Jim. Otherwise… I don’t know how much or what we can do.’

The naked pleading in Bones eyes for Jim to do something, to somehow fix this is enough to break Jim’s heart and simultaneously strengthen his resolve to get him and his crew through this. The look is brief however, Bone’s familiar scowl back in place before most people would notice that it had ever slipped away.

Jim pulls his face into a smile and beams it at the doctor and his entourage, ‘Relax Bones, I’ll bring him around.’

Frowning again Bones backed up to stand with the others, ‘See that you do Jim.’

Jim turned, smile sliding off his face like water off a ducks back and carefully walked over to Spock’s door and pressed the com buzzer. He could still hear Bones mumbling to himself about pig headed, elf eared stubborn so and sos in the background. Finally, just as Jim was about to order a security team with plasma cutters Spock answered.

‘Jim?’ The voice is Spock's but the uncertainty and confusion certainly aren’t a familiar sound.

Worried now, Jim presses the com button. ‘Spock.’ He lets the word sit there for a few seconds before following with, ‘Why did I come down here from the bridge to find my CMO trying to beat his way into my second’s quarters with his bare hands?’ Jim tries to keep the question light-hearted but the worry underneath leaks through making the joke fall flat.

Spock takes what feels like ages to respond, even less emotion than usual in the dry reply, ‘I do not require the services of the doctor. Only peace and solitude.’

Peace and solitude my achin’ ass, thinks Jim. Spock's hiding something, something big and he intends to find out what. The scheming Vulcan has even pulled Uhura into whatever this mess is. 

Jim lets the silence build for a few seconds before saying, ‘Uhura had to tell me you were sick. Are you sick Spock? You normally let me know when you won’t be on the bridge during Alpha shift.’ Jim casually crosses his arms and leans against the door frame in view of the camera. A perfect picture of ease, to anyone that doesn’t know better that is. ‘That alone tells me something is up. Something big.’

The pause from Spock is noticeably longer than Jim was expecting and if he were talking to anyone other than Spock he’d assume they were formulating a good, believable lie.  
‘Captain, in my illness the passage of time seems to have escaped me. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. It will not occur again.’ The finality of the worlds makes Jim feel sick inside, something twisting uncomfortably in his gut.

Still a picture of ease Jim replied, ‘Uhura also told me some other things, things that I would really prefer to discuss with you in private, things best said in person and without a door between us.’ Jim scowled at the camera for full effect, hoping that his second will hear the command unspoken in the request.

‘She would not! She swore…. She swore she would say nothing. Nothing…’ Spock’s reply is angry and terse even by human standards let alone Vulcan, trailing off into an uneasy silence.

Jim straightens out of his slough and stares into the camera, enough is enough. No more games.

‘Commander, if you do not open this door in the next two minutes I will attempt to open the door locks using my Captain’s override. If you prevent me from opening the door in this manner I will attempt to hack my way in. If you still, somehow, manage to thwart my attempts in this regard I will order Scotty to send up a set of plasma torches and I will personally cut my way through this door to have a proper conversation with you and get to the bottom of whatever this is. Do you understand?!’ Jim finishes his tirade at a yell. He can feel the eyes of everyone present staring holes into this back but he focuses on the camera, frustration and worry etched on his face.

Finally, after exactly two minutes and ten seconds the door opens onto Spock’s darkened quarters. 

Bones moves up from behind Jim to slip through the doorway but Jim catches the doctor before he can go inside. 

‘Jim, he…’ Bones protests but Jim just cuts him off with a shake of his head. 

‘Let me talk to him first, ok Bones? Just… just let me talk to him.’ Jim can’t hide the pleading in his eyes for Bones to back off just this once and let Jim help his friend.

Bones grumbles but steps back, glaring into the almost pitch black room beyond.

‘Thanks,’ Jim says before turning around, the only reply a disgruntled grunt from the doctor.

Steeling himself, Jim steps into the semi-darkness and glances back just in time to see Bones shaking his head before the door closes and locks behind him.


	3. Fragments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim finally makes it into Spock's room and doesn't find what he was expecting.

Jim hears the heavy snick of the privacy locks engaging as he waits in the darkness for his eyes to adjust.

‘Spock?’ Jim desperately wishes his vision would adjust faster. At least then he’d have an idea of where to start looking.

‘Spock, we need to talk.’ The temperature is set too high for humans and Jim can already feel sweat running down his back as he wipes his damp brow. He takes a few steps forwards, hand stretched out in front of him to stop himself from crashing into anything. A couple of steps in and Jim hears something crunch under his boot.

‘Jim’ Spock’s voice is lower than usual, the single world making his hair stand on end.

It’s at that moment when Jim’s night vision finally decides to kick in.

The room is _trashed_. Well and truly demolished. Spock’s quarters had always been Spartan but now there is nothing but fragments of furniture littering the carpeted floor, bits of table and chair, scraps of fabric and shattered Vulcan pottery the only things that Jim can make out amongst the scattered debris.

‘The hell…?’ Jim breathes as he steps further into the madness of the room, turning around once to take it all in. 'Lights to 20 percent.'

Jim shakes his head. ‘Ok Spock, if I wasn’t worried about you before I saw all this,’ Jim gestures around at the wrecked room, ‘I sure as hell am worried now.’ Sighing, Jim runs his hand through his hair, ‘The hell is going on with you?’

Finally, he spots Spock, tucked into the corner of the room nearest the suites bathroom. His face is a mask of pain as he sits on the carpet, knees pulled up as close to his chin as he can get them, arms wrapped tightly around his knees with his hands clenched so tightly together that, even in the dim lighting Jim can tell that they’d be white with tension.  
Jim waits patiently for a reply, a word, SOMETHING from his friend, to explain any of this frankly crazy behavior. The only thing that stops Jim from just ordering Bones and a security squad in here to drag the Vulcan off to sickbay is the fear that it will make things worse.

With visible effort, Spock seems to draw the agony back inside and school his expression closer to his normal blank mask. Jim winces at the obvious difficulty.

_Shit, this is really bad. If Spock has to work so hard for normal, well his emotions must be even worse than after Vulcan was destroyed. Crap. Crap!_

‘As you can see I am unwell,’ Jim barely recognizing the voice as Spock’s as he growled out, ‘It is a factor of my biology, nothing more. There is nothing that McCoy or any other may do to help.’ Jim stares at his friend, dumbstruck as his mind refuses to process the words he’s hearing.

‘I would appreciate it if you would leave. Now.’ Spock grinds out the worlds, jaw clenched so tight Jim fleetingly things Spock's teeth will crack under the pressure.

Jim’s brain; finished with being shocked dives into high gear pissed off. ‘Bullshit!’ Jim stalks over to Spock, towering over the curled up Vulcan and crosses his arms. Jim feels a little smug as he watches Spock’s eyes fly open in surprise. He clearly hadn’t expected Jim to refuse to leave.

‘Uhura said that you were going to die Spock.’ The flinch this gets spurs Jim on. ‘She said that you didn’t want to save yourself, so save the factor of my biology bullshit for someone who believes it.’Jim crouched down; anger draining away as suddenly as it arrived, leaving only fear and concern for his friend.

‘Tell me how to help, what to do and I’ll do it Spock.’ Reflexively he reaches out towards Spock and realizes just in time to avoid touching his clasped hands. Jim’s outstretched hand hovers above Spock’s before he lets it drop back to his knees, the helplessness Jim feels making his shoulders tight and his eyes hot.

Spock sighs and finally relaxes back out of his tight, tense ball to rest against the cold plascreet. ‘Nothing, Jim. There is nothing you can do. Nothing that will save me. Leave me be.’ Spock refuses to look Jim in the eye, staring off into space as he gives up hope completely.

Rage surges through Jim at the words, red hot and prickly. The thought that Spock will just roll over and die without a fight makes him want to grab his friend by the shoulders and shake him until he makes sense again. He wants to rail and rant against the idea that there is nothing he can do, but he can’t. Not until he knows what to fight, how to fight. He pushes the fury down, deep down to deal with later. Looks like the bulkhead in his quarters is going to get a few new dents sometime soon.

Jim lets out a deep sigh and shuffles over to the other corner wall before relaxing back against it, legs crossed in front of him like a little kid. He rakes his eyes over his friend, taking in the now relaxed form in the semi darkness. If demanding an answer won’t work then he’ll just have to try a different method to discover the problem.

‘No Spock. I don’t believe that. You know me, I never give up. Not ever. Jim Kirk doesn’t believe in no win scenarios. Fuck em. You just have to trust me.’ Jim leans forward, staring blatantly at Spock’s emotionless face, eyes huge and puppy dog like. ‘Trust me to find a solution. What more do I have to do to earn your trust Spock?’ Jim watches as Spock flinches again, a wince breaking the mask momentarily before it’s smoothed over once again as if it never happened.

‘Tell me, what do I have to do?’ Jim flops back against the plascreet, arms now limp at his sides as he picks nervously at the carpet fibres. ‘I mean, I broke the prime directive to save you. I risked my career, my ship and my crew to get you out of that volcano. I died for the enterprise and her crew, and that includes you and Spock?’ Jim pauses, waiting for Spock to respond. Finally Spock’s eyes swivel to meet his, blue and black meeting almost imperceptibly in the darkness, ‘I’d do it again.’

Spocks breathing stops for a second and Jim can tell that he’s finally reaching his friend. That he’s breaking down the wall of fear and denial that Spock’s built between himself and everyone else. ‘No hesitation, no doubt. Because, if I can’t save my crew, _my_ _friends_ ,’ Jim sighs and breaks eye contact to stare into the distance, chest a constricted mess of emotions, a sad twisted smile on his face, ‘what’s the point of being a star ship captain?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to write chapters. I'm my own worst critic.


	4. Off Duty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim takes some time off, even if Spock doesn't want him too.

Spock’s sharp, indrawn breath draws Jim out of his introspection and he stares open-mouthed as Spock's spine bows outwards and his face contorts in silent pain. His hands are like claws as they grasp at empty air and his eyes roll back in his head, only the whites showing.  
Panicking, Jim leaps up to unlock the door and let in Bones when Spock’s hand shoots out, grabbing Jim’s forearm in an almost painfully strong grip.

‘Do….’ Spock’s voice is gravely and tight. He has to clear his throat to speak properly before he finishes, ‘Do not leave Jim. I will be fine in a moment.’

Angry, Jim turns back to Spock, who’s desperately trying to even out his breathing after the sort of fit. ‘Fine Spock? You’re fine? Like hell you’re fine!’

Spock releases Jim’s arm suddenly as if he’s been burned and pulls himself back into a sitting position huddled against the wall, face a pale imitation of his blank look once again.

Jim takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He pushes the anger down and lets the concern well up again. He settles back down on the ground across from Spock, their legs almost touching.

‘Look, I’m not going anywhere ok?’ Spock just raises an eyebrow at that, both of them knowing that the Captain is supposed to be on the bridge.

That Jim is neglecting his duties for this.

Jim stares at Spock for a long minute, just assessing how bad his friend really looks in the half light.

Spock's lost weight. His clothes are a little too big, his traditional Vulcan meditation robes not quite as well-fitting as that time Jim had dropped by a few weeks ago to deliver a message from Old Spock in person. His hair, normally impeccable was now thoroughly messed, as though someone had given the Vulcan one hell of a noogie. Circles, a dark shade of purple tinted with green hollow out Spock's face making him look ghostly and pale in the dim light.

God, even half-crazed and beating Jim to death Spock had looked healthier than this.

Jim had come to first respect the reserved Vulcan after Nero and then over the last few years to even like Spock. Hell, he played chess with the man twice a week and Jim considered him a good friend. Someone he could count on. He couldn’t just leave him here to waste away and die alone. Especially since the stubborn bastard wouldn’t let anyone else this close.

Heaving a heavy sigh Jim pressed his communicator, ‘Captain to bridge, acknowledge.’

The cool and calm voice of Sulu replied, ‘Sulu here Captain, orders?’

Jim caught Spock’s eyes as he spoke, ‘Sulu, you have the con until Beta. Scotty will take the con to relieve you for Beta and Uhura is to take the chair from Scotty for Gamma. Keep this arrangement until I let you know otherwise. Let the senior crew know of the changes. If required, ask Chekov to take the com but only, ONLY in emergencies. He tends to get a bit excited and press buttons. Hopefully his services won’t be needed.’ Jim smiled even though Sulu couldn’t see him but he pushed the warmth and humor into his voice. He hoped that Sulu could hear it, would find it reassuring. ‘Any questions helmsman?’

The slight pause betrays Sulu’s worry as he takes it all in, but Jim doesn’t mind. He’s plenty worried himself after all.

‘Understood Captain. Maintain current course and continue as per our previous mission briefing sir?’

Jim relaxes back against the plascreet wall and closes his eyes, one less thing to worry about for a while. ‘Indeed Sulu. Keep up the good work.’  
‘Thank you sir.’ There’s a pause and Jim almost breaks the communication before Sulu can get in, ‘I’ll inform the rest of the crew not to attempt to contact you until further notice.’ Jim hears the ‘good luck’ that goes unsaid.

‘The second anything unexpected happens that requires my attention, you com me Lieutenant. Ensure that the rest of the bridge crew knows this as well. Oh, and let Bones know he should head back to sick bay. I got this one. Kirk out’

Jim rolls his head to try and work out the tension in his neck before relaxing back again to stare at Spock again. ‘So Spock, looks like my schedule has just cleared up for the foreseeable future. Got anything you’d like to talk about now I’m on my own time?’

‘Captain, you should really…’ Spock protests but Jim interrupts.

‘No.’

‘No?’ Spock’s query is accompanied by a raised eyebrow but the effect is nowhere near Spock’s normal expression of amused disdain, his trembling shoulders and flushed cheeks ruining the effect.

‘No. I’m not going to the bridge or anywhere else for that matter until you tell me what’s wrong. I will stay here as long as it takes for you to decide to spill. I would probably have to leave if a Klingon warbird de-cloaked in front of my girl but other than that, I’m staying put. Got it?’ Jim raises his eyebrow in a challenge and the somewhat incredulous look on Spock’s face is almost worth all this shit. Almost, but not quite.

Spock breaks the eye contact, slumping back against the hard wall and staring unseeing at the ceiling above. ‘Understood, Captain.’

Jim sighs and lets his tense muscles relax as he settles in to wait Spock out, the idea of waiting out a Vulcan making Jim’s lips twitch momentarily into a smile. ‘I’m off duty now Spock, it’s just Jim.’

Jim watches as a slight tremor runs through Spock's hands before he hears a reply.

‘Understood. Jim.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this seems to be going ok. Let me know what you think :3  
> Thank you to everyone who's commented or given me kudos so far.  
> Really appreciated the feedback :)  
> Lotsalove,  
> Ficarella


	5. The Waiting Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conversation begins.

Time passes as they sit cross-legged across from each other on the carpeted floor surrounded by the remainders of the room’s furniture. Jim’s not sure what time it is or how long it’s been since they last spoke but he refuses to be the first one to break the silence that has descended upon them. He’s in no hurry after all, not like he’s the one dying. The thought makes something clench in Jim’s chest, the hot feeling behind his eyes returning. Jim clenches his hands resting on his knees into fists until the ache dies away.

After a while Jim finds his mind wandering, caught up in his own thoughts so much that he almost missed the soft sigh.

‘Hmm?’ Jim looks over to see Spock unfolding himself from his tight curl to sit cross-legged on the floor the same way as Jim is, back resting lightly against the corner’s other wall.

‘Fine.’ Spock says voice almost sullen and a touch embarrassed. ‘I will inform you of the situation but there is no logical solution but to allow me my solitude and privacy until my time comes. You must hold this in the strictest confidence. Off worlders are not permitted to know such details.’

Jim frowns but manages to hold the ‘Bullshit!’ he really wants to yell tightly inside. Instead he just nods his head, not wanting to interrupt Spock now that he’s given in and decided to talk.

‘Do you remember when Nyota and I first ceased our personal involvement?’

How could Jim not? He’d never seen Nyota or Spock that upset. He just nodded in response, eager for Spock to elucidate further.

‘Our personal attachment was no longer viable due to my failures as a mate. I had attempted,’ Spock pauses and nervously curls his fingers into tight fists that rest on his thighs, filling his lungs with a deep breath. Jim recognizes the signs of embarrassment in Spock’s movements and lets a small frown sit uncomfortably on his face as Spock glances swiftly up and then away before clearing his throat to continue.

‘I attempted to meld with Nyota, our intention to form a light bond in order to facilitate the deepening of our emotional attachment.’ Jim notices that Spock’s eyes are bright in the semi-darkness, the difficulty of talking about this to anyone outside his immediate family not lost on Jim.

Still twisting his fingers in consternation Spock continued, voice dropping so low that Jim had to strain forwards to hear.  
‘I found that I could not initiate the bond, that I was restricted only to surface thoughts.’ Spock stills, introspective suddenly. ‘As I have never attempted to meld deeply with another sentient being before and I was surprised and equally disappointed by my inability to delve deeper than inconsequential surface emotions. To form the bond both Nyota and I desired.’

Jim watched as Spocks hands clenched into tight fists again, resting them on his thighs as he leaned into the wall for support. ‘I withdrew then of course and apologized for my failure only to have Nyota tell me not to worry. She then informed me that she had felt the meld and my presence in it but could not feel any emotion from my side of the contact...’ Spock trailed off, eyes searching aimlessly across the featureless plascreet ceiling.

‘So, she couldn’t feel that you love her is that it?’ Jim asks brazenly.

‘I hold Nyota in the highest regard. I care for her very much.’ Spock replied, tone defensive.

Jim let a second go by before stating, ‘But you don’t love her.’  
The pause following Jim's statement is significant, much too long for comfort before Spock answers quietly, ‘No, I do not.’

Jim can feel his eyebrows shoot up towards his hairline in surprise, then back down into a confused huddle above his confused expression, ‘But what does this have to do with you being sick? With you dy…’ Jim clips off the word just in time, feeling his heart clench painfully. Never say the D word Jim. Goddamn it.

‘It is embarrassing.’ Spocks expression hardens, eyebrows drawing together in consternation.

‘So?’ replied Jim, ‘that’s called being alive, living. Hell, I’ve done plenty of stuff I’m embarrassed about. If you like I can tell you a few of my most mortifying moments later if you want to even out the dirty laundry score.’

Spock shook his head, hands un-clenching and moving down to the carpet to pick at it nervously. 

‘This is not something we allow offworlders to know. We, Vulcan’s, as a people find it distasteful and shameful, if a necessary part of our life cycle.’

Jim feels the blush hot on his cheeks even in the already hot room and had to swallow against the sudden lump in his throat. Ah, it’s a sex thing. Right. No wonder Spock didn’t want to talk about it.

‘Once we reach adulthood at eighteen a natural cycle begins. Every seven years after our eighteenth birthday the fever takes hold. We must copulate with our bonded or be driven insane.’ Spock paused and looked down, drawing his fingers into his lap and folding them there. ‘As the fever did not take me at eighteen as it did my peers it was assumed that my human heritage had shielded me from that aspect of Vulcan physiology.’ Spock stills, flicking his eyes up to meet Jims.

‘I was wrong.’

Jim gasps and he loses control of his mouth in shock, ‘Holy shit. Oh my god, Spock. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being a late bloomer,’ Jim tries to placate the raw look in Spock’s eyes as he babbles, ‘but this is big.’

Finally Jim's brain caught up, ‘Wait.’ Jim, drawing his expression from surprise to confusion again, ‘how long until you need to…copulate,’ Jim mentally pats himself on the back for being so damn tactful, ‘or go mad?’ The last said quietly, the thought of Spock being unable to control himself making Jim feel a little mad himself.

Jim stares into Spock’s eyes, naked pleading to tell him that this is going to be OK written plainly on his face.

Spock’s expression does not change as he drops the burden of knowledge on Jim’s shoulders.

‘3 days.’


	6. Hybrid

‘SHIT!’ yells Jim as slams his head back against the wall, the pain somehow making the news slightly more bearable.

Three days until Spock goes mad. Only three. They are at least a good week and a half from New Vulcan at maximum warp, they’ll never make it back in time before… back in time.

 ** _Fuck!_** How had this all gotten so messed up?

‘Wait!’ Hope flares in Jim’s chest, the tight constriction of his heart and lungs easing a little, ‘you said bonded right?’ Hope fills Jim’s eyes as Spock stares back at him, a broken man.

‘Yes.’ The reply is flat, no hint of emotion.

‘Well,’ pushes Jim, ‘your bonded doesn’t have to be Vulcan do they?’ The thought cheers Jim immensely. ‘You just have to find someone to bond to and …’ Jim stops mid sentence.

If it were that easy Spock would have done it already wouldn’t he? He’s logical to the point of pain, if the solution were that simple they wouldn’t be sitting here in the warm dark of Spock’s demolished quarters. Backtracking furiously Jim thinks about how this conversation started. Spock and Uhura.

‘Explain, what’s this got to do with you breaking up with Uhura?’ Jim's thought’s wheel back on track; what does this have to do with her?

‘That is my point Jim.’ Spock’s face is suddenly full of sadness, his eyes wide as if to hold back tears.

Jim lets his confusion show on his face as he waits patiently for Spock to start explaining himself properly. ‘My attempt to meld with Uhura failed. She and I could never be more than close friends. Apart from my mother,’ the mere mention of Amanda makes Spock’s face spasm in remembered pain, ‘no other human has successfully bonded to a Vulcan. Due to my dual heritage I may not even be able to fully meld with anyone, human or Vulcan at a deep enough level to form a matrimonial bond.’

Jim fights down the urge to reach out and comfort his friend, knowing that physical contact at this point might be too much for Spock’s overextended control to handle. He also doesn’t want Spock to feel the guilt he’s still carrying around after saying all that nasty crap about Spock’s mother. From all accounts she sounded like an amazing lady. After the incident on the bridge Jim had looked her up in the Starfleet database. Apparently Spock’s mom was an amazing linguist who’d even contributed towards the development of the universal translator. Jim would have loved to meet her.

‘A hybrids' curse.’ The words are bitter and sharp as Spock spits them out before slumping back against the plascreet; boneless.

Jim thinks hard, his mind reaching back to that day on Delta Vega when he first encountered who he’s come to refer to as Old Spock, at least in the privacy of his own head.

He’d melded with Jim, almost blown a fuse in his brain with the info dump during their little tête-à-tête. Jim had gotten a lot more than just harmless surface emotions during the transfer. He’d practically re-lived some of Old Spock’s memories through his eyes, feeling what he felt and thinking what he thought. It had taken Jim a while to come to terms with that, more time than he liked to admit to himself. It had been a pretty deep meld for him to get all that and then some.

Jim’s mouth is suddenly dry and he licks his lips nervously, eyes darting to Spock’s face before quickly moving away to settle on a scrap of fabric that had probably once been a Vulcan wall hanging.

Jim remembered asking Spock about it during one of their chess matches. He’d explained that it stated one of the principal’s of Surak. Kaiidith. What is, is. Jim had liked that idea; even if he couldn’t get on board with the whole emotional repression thing it was comforting for him to know that Vulcan precepts had gotten some stuff right.

Staring at the scrap of fabric while he spoke Jim fractured the heavy silence. ‘I know of one human other than…’ Jim felt rather than saw the wince on Spock’s face this time and paused before continuing, ‘that’s been in a deep meld. Maybe even deep enough for a bond.’

‘Who?’ The warmth that was missing from Spock’s voice is back and Jim looks up into his friends now eager face, seeing Spock’s eyes alive for the first time with something akin to hope. A will to live shining brightly again in his face.

Jim clears his throat nervously and shifts uncomfortably against the wall before looking down at his now clenched hands before replying.

‘Me.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I'm sorry if this is taking a while to work up to some sexy action but I promise, good things come to those who wait.
> 
> Also, sorry for finish chapters like i have been. I'll try to be less cliffhangery in future.


	7. Trial Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock finally get inside each others heads.

The look of surprise on Spock’s face really doesn’t belong there but its life is short lived. Spock’s expression darkens, his face closing down again into stony emotionless-ness and his answer is simple enough.

‘No.’

The sting is sharper than Jim had anticipated and he loses control of his mouth, letting it run like it used to back at the academy.

‘"No"? What do you mean, "no"? It’s the only solution Spock. It’s, it’s fucking logical!’ Jim pushes himself up from his spot against the wall and paces, hands crossed tightly against his chest to stop his arms from flailing about. ‘I mean, you need someone to bond with to not die and I’m possibly the only candidate capable of forming a bond with a half-Vulcan so what’s the big deal?’

Jim stops suddenly in front of Spock’s immobile form, staring at the ceiling as he runs his hands through his hair. ‘I mean, I know I’m not exactly your first or even last choice but it looks like I’m the only option now. No more choices. It’s me or nothing.’ Jim lets out a big breath as he lets his shoulders relax, hands limp at his sides.

Jim flops down onto the floor again, sitting cross legged in front of Spock. He keeps his eyes trained on the ground, unable to meet Spock’s gaze all of a sudden. ‘You can’t just let yourself die Spock. Not after everything. Not like this.’

Jim hears Spock let out a deep sigh and hears the rustle of Spock’s stiff meditation robe as he sits up straighter. ‘Jim, you do not understand.’ His voice is quiet and kindly; no censure now, no judgement or denial. ‘The bond we would form would be deep, would bind us together in a way which would make our friendship difficult to maintain. Our emotions, our thoughts would be just a breath apart at every moment. Even if we were capable of forming such a bond, I do not think it would be possible for our friendship to remain as it is now.’

Jim feels himself gearing up to fight but Spock raises a hand, stilling Jim’s argument while he speaks.

‘Also Jim, the time is violent. You can observe this fact from my quarters alone. I do not want you here when my control breaks. I do not want you to see me reduced to no more than an animal, mindless in my desire and rage. It is almost certain that you would be injured were you to remain and for that I could not forgive myself.’

Jim looks up into Spock’s face, his brown eyes closer and warmer than Jim’s ever seen them.

‘Just try Spock.’ Jim can feel his expression from the inside, the naked pleading leaking out from his eyes, ‘just…give it a try? See if you can reach further in the meld with me. See if it’s possible to go deep enough. And if you can’t…’ Jim pauses and looks down at the floor again, trying to hide the sudden pain in his eyes from his friend. ‘Then I’ll leave and you will have all the peace and solitude you need. Just… let me try ok?’

Jim can feel the argument raging inside Spock as he stares resolutely at the floor between them. Jim knows that this is the most logical solution, the only way to save his friend. He’s put the idea out there. Now all he has to do is let Spock decide if he’s going to live and risk suffering embarrassment or die and maintain his precious dignity. Jim knows which decision he’d make. Knows what’s logical, but Spock’s hardly been his logical self of late and so he waits and hopes. Jim’s lost too many important people, he’s not prepared to lose Spock too. He couldn’t bear it.

‘Jim.’ Spock’s voice is hesitant and soft, but lacking in anger or denial. It gives Jim’s hope a burst that fills his chest and pushes out the heavy leaden feeling of defeat that had settled in.

‘I do not wish to die Jim. And so, with your permission?’ Jim looks up into Spock’s face; his friend’s face a mask of worry as he raises his hand to head height. He doesn’t move forward to initiate the physical contact, leaving the last few centimeters between them for Jim to bridge.

Jim's smile is pure relief and he lets the tension uncoil as he stares openly back into Spock’s brown eyes. He doesn’t reply, just leans forwards to push his face eagerly against Spock’s outstretched hand, Spock’s fingers resting against his psi points. The tingle is unexpected but not unpleasant, like the feeling you get when someone blows gently across exposed skin. The thought brings a light blush to Jim’s face as he lets his gaze move from Spock’s face down to stare at his black robe. ‘Consider this my permission.’

‘My mind to your mind,’ the words are familiar to Jim, the anticipation building as he mouths along with Spock in unison, ‘My thoughts to your thoughts.’

And then he’s right there in Jim’s head, the presence different and yet somehow comfortingly similar to the last time Jim experienced this. Spock feels all minty and cool against him, the blue and green feeling soothing against Jim’s mind. Jim feels his eyes close as he reaches out to pull the tantalizingly Spock flavored essence inwards. Instead of curling himself around the green and blue swirls he bumps up against something hard and transparent.

‘Ow, the hell is that?’ Jim resists the urge to rub his forehead as if he’d actually bumped his head on plexiglass.

‘It is my mental shielding Jim. I shall remove it once I am certain that a surface meld was successful.’ The strain in Spock’s voice causes the swirls to flicker with tongues of red and orange for a brief moment before settling back down to their normal green-blue.

Jim feels his face pull up into a wry smile and he chuckles before saying, ‘Spock, I just bumped my head against your metal shield, I’m pretty sure it’s working as intended. I can see you on the other side of it you know. It’s…’ Jim hesitates, wondering if he should say more.

‘Yes?’ Spock’s curiosity is a purple glimmer in the swirl that briefly flashes to the surface before being smothered in green-blue.

Jim lets out the breath he was holding and resigns himself to whatever appraisal Spock will deliver on his human emotional responses, ‘It’s minty.’ He says, the defensiveness on his tone making the swirls break rank for a moment before being drawn back into the same pattern. ‘Also sort of cool. Like peppermint tea I guess…’ Jim speculates.

‘You find it, not unpleasant?’ the concern is clear and again Jim watches as the patterns flare and twist before settling back to swirl happily in his minds eye.

‘It isn’t unpleasant no,’ Jim pauses, thinking. He’s kind of wants to drag the feeling closer, the urge to reach out and feel Spock’s mind brush against his almost overwhelming now that he’s this close to it. And yet it’s somehow comforting; the soft swirl, the mixing of colors and the refreshing minty feeling sooth the need to draw it in closer. ‘’s' nice. Very you Spock.’ Jim smiles, knowing that Spock is looking for any excuse to break the contact for fear of damaging his friend, ‘So, what now?’

‘Now you must relax and allow me to remove the shield and deepen the connection.’ The words are spoken so seriously that it sobers Jim.

‘Ok, no worries.’ He smiles before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, consciously releasing tension from his body as he does until he feels heavy and lethargic.

‘Very good Jim.’ The surprise and pleasure in Spock’s voice pulls a soft smile onto Jim’s lips. ‘If I had known you would be this adept at relaxation I might have suggested meditation as a pastime.’ Jim just huffs out a puff of air in reply. Jim knows he doesn’t have the patience for it. Not really.

‘Now, I shall remove the barrier. Do not attempt to bridge the gap Jim. I do not wish to overwhelm your sensory capacity. It could be detrimental to your well being and any injury that you were to sustain I could never forgive myself for inflicting, even accidentally.’ The warning is clear. Jim tries to remain relaxed and inactive while he watches as the thin mental shield between them is dismantled. It takes longer than Jim would like for the wall to be pulled down. Why would Spock build something like that in the first place?

‘I erected the barrier after Vulcan was destroyed to help ease the pain of the breaking of so many familial bonds. It was a... difficult time for me.’ Jim can see the splashes of orange and brown skating through Spock’s presence, the phantom pain still there, unhealed. The urge to reach out and smooth away the ugly lumps back to smooth green-blueness is strong but Jim reins it in. Spock had asked him to stay in his own head and that’s what he’ll do until invited in. No matter what people say about him, Jim Kirk does not go where he’s not invited, weird emotional compulsion or no.

‘It is gratifying to know that your regard for me is unchanged Jim.’ Spock’s voice is warm; Jim feels a smile pulling at his lips again as he waits for the wall to be undone.

Finally, Spock lets out an almost sigh and barrier is no more. ‘Now Jim, I will attempt to touch on your emotions, your thoughts. Do not be alarmed. It will not harm you Jim, I will not allow it.’ Spock’s words are firm, the conviction strong. ‘Think of something complex, something that is unknown to me already so that I can verify the information and emotional transfer. Let me know when you are ready, verbally.’

Jim nods almost imperceptibly and tries to think of something that Spock will not know. He flicks through a few memories of times before Starfleet, of being a kid in Iowa and on Tarsus but decides that these are too incidental or traumatic for something this important. He needs to find a way to convince Spock that this is not only the right decision but something that Jim would gladly do for his friend. For a brief moment he flashes back to that time with Galia in Nyota’s quarters and tosses it aside hastily, embarrassed. He has always had a thing for green. Jim thinks hard and decides finally on the scene on the bridge this morning. How worried he was. He replays the whole thing in his mind from the start of his shift to when he first saw Spock in his quarters.

He steadies himself and takes a deep breath before letting it out in a puff of air before replying.

‘Ok.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for missing last weeks post. Personal illness and a death in the family made last weeks post a secondary concern. Hopefully future chapters won't be delayed by real life stuff. Hope you enjoy it.  
> All my love,  
> Ficarella


	8. Action Replay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock get inside each others heads, literally.

Jim feels a soft brush across his mind, tentative and unsure before green-blueness floods his vision The feeling of those gentle fingers brushing across his brain makes him shiver, a small gasp catching him by surprise as the aftershock leaves his limbs tingling in something like anticipation.

‘ _Spock_?’ Jim thinks the word, his mouth refusing to cooperate in the circumstances.

‘ ** _Jim._** ’ Spock’s response is loud and rings in Jim’s head, the warmth and familiarity of Spock’s tone even more apparent now than if he had said his name aloud.

‘ _Woah, loud much_?’ Jim feels his mouth pull up into an amused half-smile. ‘ _Maybe tone it down a little for the human ok?_ ’

The green-blueness enveloping Jim’s senses is joined by an orange thread of what felt like repentance before Spock replies.

‘ _I apologise Jim, my controls are somewhat overstretched at this time. I am, how you would say, not myself._ ’ The feeling of Spock settles down again and Jim lets himself relax into the contact once more. Jim feels Spock’s mental smile across the link.

‘ _No worries Spock. Now, you want to feel that memory of mine? Got it all lined up._ ’ Jim pulls the memory forward and leaves it sitting there, ready for a replay as he waits for Spock.

Jim hears Spock take a deep breath and let it out slowly while he watches the pretty green and blue colors settle into a slower swirl as Spock relaxes.

‘ _Indeed._ ’

It's the last thing Jim hears before he walks out of the turbo lift and onto the bridge for the second time that morning.

He's reliving the memory of that morning on the bridge, his confrontation with Uhura and the long minutes spent alone in the briefing room paralyzed by the fear, worries and concern as if he were living it all over again, just like he’d re-lived old Spock’s memories from their meld on Delta Vega.

The concern and fear he felt again is palpable, making him shake and gasp aloud as the pain at the thought of losing his closest friend hits him all over again.

Jim's left sweating and short of breath once he notices that the remembrance is over. He lets out a big sigh of relief as the now familiar green and blue essence that is Spock washes over him again, taking some of the sting out of the memory.

He waits for a few minutes, until he's back under control again before he allows himself to ask the burning question trying to eating it’s way out of his body, ‘ _So, results?_ ’

‘ _Jim_.’ The reply is almost a plea, Spock’s answer tense as the green and blue swirls cavort across Jim’s vision.

Jim can feel the reluctance and self loathing there in Spock’s reply. He feels absurdly concerned for his captain and friend instead of himself even though he is the one dying. Illogical Vulcan.

‘ _Jim, how do you stand it?_ ’ The question pushes Jim off track, throwing him for a loop momentarily.

‘ _What do you mean Spock, I don’t understand_?’

‘ _How do you stand feeling so much? How do you function_?’

Jim laughs through the meld, the golden warmth filling up the connection for a second before dissipating out, the feeling leaving Jim a little light headed. ‘ _Easy my friend. Practice_.’

He can feel the puzzlement, the agitation as changes in the serene movement of Spock’s essence. Jim heaves a heavy sigh. He knows it won’t help Spock but Jim attempts to explain anyway.

‘ _Unlike Vulcans, we humans can’t just will away our anger and fear. All our emotions are right there on the fore and we learn from an early age to think around and through them. We feel things and yet chose to not act on them, to think past our rage and our fear, our desire and lust and reach for something pure. Something untainted by our own selfish wants and needs and to do what is best no matter our feelings on the subject._ ’

Realizing that he’s completely derailed the conversation and exposed more of himself than he’d intended, Jim clears his throat nervously before attempted to bring it all back on track.

‘ _Anyway, I’m pretty sure that you managed to relive that rather shitty memory of mine so I’m calling it a success._ ’ Jim allows himself to feel smug for a second before finishing, ‘ _So, what next Spock_?’

Jim watches as the swirls grow even more agitated before they begin to violently shake and quiver. The motion is so shocking and unexpected that Jim cries out and reaches up with his hand to grasp hold of Spock’s arm to steady himself.

‘ _Spock?_ ’ Jim can feel Spock’s arm shaking unsteadily under his grip.

‘ _I can not Jim. You are my friend. I can not ask this of you. It is too much. I am sorry_.’

Jim feels the minty cool sense of Spock pulling away from him, easing out of his mind and the connection, reluctance to end the contact clear in Spock’s actions.

 **Fuck tact** , thinks Jim, and dives forwards into the link before he has a chance to second guess his actions. Jim's learned to trust his gut and now it’s screaming at him not to let Spock break the contact.

A burst of white and static beats against his mind and then leaves him, the knowledge of how to form a bond dropping effortlessly into his brain.

Apparently he’d gleaned a lot more from that meld with Old Spock than he’d expected. The old man had been rather forthcoming about a few things but had refused to "interfere" as he’d called it many times since the episode with Nero. Jim hadn’t even realized that there was something extra resting in his head until a situation cropped up on 25478XX4 when the info he'd needed suddenly appeared in his mind. Crafty old devil must have left a few Easter eggs behind in Jim’s brain for his oldest friend, situationaly locked or triggered.

Jim hears Spock’s startled gasp as he pushes into his unguarded mind, his friend too stunned at the sudden intrusion to shield and eject Jim from the meld.

Jim can feel how tired Spock is suddenly, how sick. Much too sick to push Jim out of his mind or slam his mental shields back into place now that they are down. Jim can feel how out of control Spock is, how the hormones ravaging his systems make him vulnerable, emotionally and physically, and Jim feels guilty to be exploiting this fact but the guilt doesn’t stop him from continuing on.

Now that he knew what to look for Jim flashed forwards and fell suddenly into Spock’s mind, the green and blue minty waves rising to greet him. Jim revels in the feeling for a moment, letting the warmth and contentment surge up and around him as he luxuriates in the cool minty feeling that is Spock before he pushes aside the sensation and gets down to business.

He can feel Spock trying feebly to push him out of his mind, to take back control of the meld but his control is failing him. Jim keeps a steady hold on Spock’s arm, not willing to let his friend derail their last chance at saving Spock’s life for some mistaken idea of chivalry or sacrifice.

Unceremoniously Jim pushed forwards; deeper, searching Spock’s neatly placed memories for one of himself. He wades through the mire of emotion; fear, anger, more fear but this time for Jim, self loathing and loneliness until he comes across a section of memories that bear his name.

Softly he hears Spock’s impassioned denial, ‘ _Jim. No. Please._ ’

‘ _Trust me Spock, this is for your own good._ ’

Quickly, before the remorse and guilt make him too weak to act he selects one that feels heavier in his thoughts than the others but doesn’t pulse with an ugly, angry red and cracks it open only to be left gasping at the scene.

He stares desolately at the bed in front of him. He sees himself, thin and pale stretched out and unmoving on the sterile hospital bed, covered in wires and monitoring devices. He can feel the incandescent rage and hate for Khan boiling just below the surface, tempered only by the relief that Jim is not dead. That his friend will live. The conflicting emotions surging through Spock’s system leave him immobile; unable and unwilling to move.

A flutter of eyelashes breaks Spock's concentration and he shoots to his feet from the stiff hospital chair and strides over to the bed before he decided to act. Carefully, as if Jim is made of glass he grasps his hand tightly in both of his and closes his eyes. Gently, so softly that Jim is barely sure that he’s feeling it Spock reaches out through their clasped hands to feel. A soft glint of gold shoots across his vision and the weight of relief is almost as crushing as the rage had been only a moment ago. He feels Spock’s knees go weak as he gently places Jim’s hand back onto the bed before staggering backwards and collapsing on the chair again. The emotion fills Jim up; the relief and suppressed grief mingled with the rage and self hatred at feeling these emotions are enough to make anyone cry. Jim comes back to his senses again and can feel wet tears streaking down his face as a soft hiccuping cry escapes his gasping mouth.

Jim feels Spock pressing against him suddenly, the green and blue waves climbing higher and higher before collapsing, pushing down on Jim and shoving him out of the meld. Jim’s eyes shoot open and he catches the snarl on Spock’s lips as he’s violently shoved backwards, hands slipping on Spock’s smooth tunic as he falls away from his friend to lie prone on the floor. Feebly he tries to push himself up to look at Spock’s face, to apologize but his arms feel like wet noodles and his head spins suddenly so he decides to stay where he is until the room stops twirling.

‘How could you!’ Spock’s voice is thunderous as he rises slowly from the ground to tower over Jim. Spock’s face is contorted into a vision of rage just like that day on the bridge. Jim tries to keep the fear from showing on his face and swallows reflexively against the sudden lump in his throat. ‘Violator!’ The word is thrown at Jim, cutting as sharp as any sword and he flinches back from the enraged Vulcan. The loud snarl that erupts from Spock’s clenched teeth truly frightens Jim and he carefully moves his hands out in front, palms out to try and pacify the visibly trembling Vulcan.

‘Spock, please. Calm down, just let me explain…’ Jim tries softly to talk him down but Spock’s clearly not capable of listening now. He dips down suddenly to grab Jim by his shirt with both hands and bodily lifted him up off the floor. Jim gaped at Spock as he hung limply from his friend’s hands, grasping Spock’s arms with his own for some support.

‘You who called me friend! Who I trusted! How could you!’ Spock’s rage is terrifying and Jim feels his brain rattle in his skull as Spock shakes him back and forth like a rag doll as he rants.

Jim can’t take it any more and lets go of one of Spock’s arms to slap him hard across the face as he yells, ‘Spock! Put me down damn it! Let me explain.’

‘NO!’ Spock screams and tosses Jim across the room. Jim feels himself flying through the air and braces for the impact. He hits the floor, hard and slides into the far wall, the impact knocking the breath out of him. He wheezes, desperately trying to fill his lungs as he lay dazed. The room twists and begins to fuzz over as Jim feels himself starting to pass out, the last thing he sees before the darkness clams him is the feline form of Spock stalking across the room towards him.

Jim has just enough time to wish that he'd gotten to explain before he loses consciousness completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody!  
> Long chapter today, hope you like it.  
> Don't worry, I'm sure those two will work things out... You know. When Jim wakes up...  
> Lotsalove  
> Ficarella


	9. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's not dead, but his head hurts enough for him to wish he was.

**_ Please wake up, please. Please Jim. Please. Wake up. Please. _ **

Jim groaned, the incessant litany of Spock’s apologies makes his head throb as he rubbed at his aching eyes.

‘Not so loud Spock, headache's killing me here.’ Jim cracks one of his eyes open and winces at the bright light.

It takes Jim a minute of lying uncomfortably on the floor to remember what happened. When he does his eyes fly open in surprise, until his head throbs painfully and he groans as he snaps his eyes shut again.

Spock had thrown him across the room. Literally thrown him. _Crap_. The thought sobers Jim up faster than a hypo from Bones after a long night boozing. His second is way more out of control than he’d thought. But Spock had warned him hadn’t he? Jim had just decided not to listen. Jim feels his face pull into an automatic grimace. _Whelp Jimbo, too late for regrets now._

‘Jeez Spock. Didn’t know you had it in you.’ Jim smiles but his heart's not in it and all it does is pull the muscles in his head to make his head ache some more.

An oddly out of place sweet relief floods through Jim with as he tries to ease open his eyes without intensifying the pounding in his head, one lid at a time.

‘Jim, you are awake.’ The words are crisp and empty but the relief Jim feels is still there, flowing just under the surface.

‘Yup, not ready for bed yet anyway, didn’t bring my jammies.’ Jim rolls over onto his stomach and pushes himself up into a crawl before turning to look at Spock.

He’s kneeling a few feet away, feet tucked up under his legs and arms held rigidly on his thighs. His hands are a mass of white knuckle and bone and his eyes. Jim’s mouth falls open slightly once he looks in Spock’s eyes. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen so much emotion in them before. Spock looks like he’s drowning, no, **burning** alive with only his self control to keep him from screaming long and loud.

Jim tries to pull himself up to stand but his head spins oddly and a sharp pain at the back of his head let him know that that is a really bad idea right about now, so he settles for crawling across the space between them. It takes him a while to make it, his coordination not as good as it usually is and he plonks himself down in front of his friend before reaching up to rub at his aching skull.

‘Think you could get me a couple of aspirin for this headache?’ Jim rolls his shoulders to try and ease out some of the tension as he watches Spock sitting rigidly in front of him.

‘I can relieve the pain, it is the very least I can do.’ Chagrin is evident in Spock’s voice and Jim lets out a sigh and rolls his eyes, already sick of hearing Spock’s apologies for something that is mostly beyond his control. He feels the wash of guilt as it rolls off his friend in waves as he rolls his head from left to right.

‘You once told me that apologies were not required when the fault did not lie with me’ Jim states, attempting to mimic Spock’s empty tonality.

Jim watches as Spock suddenly rises, almost leaping into the bathroom and switching the bright light.

‘Ah jeez, man! Light!’ Jim raises his hands to block out the worst of the bright bathroom light as he waits for Spock to get back with whatever he’s getting for Jim’s sore head.

The light abruptly cuts out and Jim can hear Spock’s rapid footsteps approaching, ‘Apologies Jim. I did not think.’

Jim smiles lazily before replying, ‘No worries. All will be forgiven if you’ll hand me an aspirin.’

Jim holds his hand out waiting for the small pill to be dropped into his palm and reaches out for the cup of water Spock holds in an almost glass cracking grip. Jim’s fingers brush against Spock’s as he takes the glass, the feeling making his skin tight and his gut clench before he pops the pill in his mouth and downs the glass in one long gulp.

He lets out a deep breath, closing his eyes as he places the glass on the carpet beside him, ‘Heads kil… really sore.’ He shakes himself at his careless turn of phrase and winces as it makes his head throb. Sometimes he can see what his detractors mean about him being hot-headed and inconsiderate of the situation. _'K' word is also out._

His neck is sore from the position he was lying in for god knows how long and the stretches hadn’t relieve any of the tension that’d built up there as he asks, ‘So how long was I out for?’

Jim jumps a little nervously when Spock’s hands come to rest heavily on his shoulders from behind, fingers smoothly easing out the knots in his shoulders. Jim groans and lets his head dip forwards, giving Spock free reign of his aching muscles. Turns out Spock’s damn good at massage too. Who would have thought?

Jim feels Spock tense behind him before resuming his ministrations and Jim has to resist the sudden urge to lean back into Spock for support as he works his way up his shoulders to his neck. Jim feels Spock carefully kneading the muscles of his neck through the thin material of his uniform, careful never to touch his naked skin.

Spock’s reply is troubled, ‘I am... unsure. My internal chronometer is currently inoperative.’

Jim’s only response is an inarticulate hum of pleasure as Spock works the knots out of Jim’s system.

‘I apologise Jim. I am ashamed of my actions towards you. Even though it was not my intent to cause harm, harm I have indeed caused. My actions were reprehensible. You should leave and have me confined to quarters until my time is completed.’ His hands come to rest on Jim’s shoulders, squeezing the muscles there to emphasise his point.

Jim lets out a harsh little laugh and shakes his head. ‘Spock, I pretty much invaded your brain. I’d have been pissed if it had happened to me, too. Hell, I'm not sure i would have stopped at just the one blow. And anyway, I’m not going anywhere. I have a job to do.’

‘A job?’ the reply is curious and Jim smirks, eyes still closed as he relaxes his weight into Spock’s solid presence behind him.

‘Yeah, saving you from yourself.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, another chapter down. Sorry it's another short one. Next one is a doozy i promise. Consider this the calm before the emotional shit storm.  
> Would just like to throw a shout out to all of you who have left me comments. Really appreciate it. Helped give me the confidence I needed to keep writing instead of canning the whole thing. So, again. Thanks :)  
> All my love,  
> Ficarella


	10. Little Suprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock gets a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY for not putting up anything for... several months? Wow, hadn't realized it'd been that long.  
> Life has been, hectic for a while. I will have to change my update from once a week to once every two weeks, to possibly once a month because of reasons. On the up side the chapters after this one are much longer so there are pros and cons I guess.  
> Again, sorry for the no updates for so long. A combination of work and life and under-confidence on my part all conspired against me posting something sooner. Sorry again.  
> Hope you like it.  
> Love,  
> Ficarella

‘Jim, can you not understand that the time is violent, much too violent for a non-Vulcan to survive. You would be gravely injured. As your first it is my duty to protect you from harm, not be its cause. For the good of the crew and the mission you must leave.’ 

Jim reply is just a huff of air from his nose, his meaning quite clear to anyone that he doesn’t believe Spock’s explanation.

‘Jim…please.’ The begging tone is hard for Jim to hear, naked fear, shame and anger coursing through his brain faster and faster as Spock talks, ‘leave now before all reason abandons me. I… I beg you.’

Jim can feel Spock’s hands shaking on his shoulders, the fine tremor getting worse as he lets the pause hang.

‘Nope, stuck with me Spock.’ A hot stab of anger shoots through Jim as he feels Spock’s hands suddenly grip his shoulders much too tightly and spin him around on the floor to face his enraged friend.

‘Why! Do you do this to torment me? You know my wishes and yet you chose to flout them in front of me! To my face! Answer me?!’ 

The rage Jim feels is almost all consuming, white hot and feral and more importantly, NOT HIS.  
He’d only ever felt that level of uncontrollable emotion once before when Spock had had his hands wrapped tightly around his throat. He’d felt Spocks’ emotions then and this was eerily familiar.  
Only now they weren’t touching, no skin to skin and the feelings, emotions were still there.  
A dopey grin appeared on Jim’s face in the wake of the realization, the knowledge that he’d succeeded in forming the bond making him feel relieved and just a little smug in the face of an angry Vulcan in heat.

‘WHY ARE YOU SMILING!’ thundered Spock as he jerked Jim close enough to his face, now bent down to Jim’s level to make him close enough to kiss.

‘Can’t you feel it?’ Jim asked as he carefully drew his arms up towards the Vulcan hands gripping his shoulders hard enough to bruise.

‘What?’ Spock’s anger washes out as quickly as the tide leaves the shore to be replaced by confusion, his eyebrows meeting as he stared into Jim's eyes.

‘You can’t can you?’ Jim suppresses a laugh, knowing that it will only set Spock’s anger alight again.

‘Feel?’ Spock replied, the emotional surge coming so rapid fire now from his first that he can’t decipher each one as it flies through his mind.

‘That.’ At the word Jim reached out in his head, catching the pulsing glow and gently folding his wonder and surprise against it.

Jim kept his eyes firmly locked on Spock’s face as he forced his feelings into the bridge between them; wonder, amazement, worry and concern all easily passing from Jim’s mind to Spocks as water poured from one vessel to another.  
Spock’s eyebrows shoot up behind his heavy fringe, his mouth dropping open in sheer shock and surprise as the emotional transfer paralyzed him.  
Jim smirks at the naked emotional display on his friend’s usually austere face; he’d always wondered what it would take to truly surprise his first. Now he knew.  
Jim waits patiently for the shock to run it’s course, monitoring the emotional state of his friend through their bond as the surprise ebbed away only to be replaced by sheer naked and overwhelming fear.

Seriously worried at the drastic change, Jim reaches up to grasp Spock’s shoulders tightly, rising up to his knees so that they are face to face. ‘Spock, what’s wrong?’ Jim stares into Spock’s now horrified expression as he gripps the unresponsive Vulcan’s shoulders tighter, ‘Spock? Speak to me damn it!’

Jim digs his fingers into Spock’s shoulders hard enough to bruise as he feels the normally calm and collected man before him collapsing inside.

‘Jim.’ The word is agonized as it escapes from Spock’s tortured visage, as if it were Jim who was dying instead of himself. 

‘Oh Jim, what have you done?’


	11. Violent Vulcans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock continue their "discussion"

Jim let go of his hold on Spock’s shoulders and pushed away from his friend.

He wasn’t going to sit here and be lectured about this shit. He’d done what he thought, no **knew** was right god damn it! No way was he going to feel guilty for trying to save Spock’s life. Spock was part of his crew, his family. He’d do anything to save his friend, even if Spock would rather he didn’t.

Spock softly shook his head while regret and fear all mixed up with a bone deep sadness pushed their way into Jim’s head. The sudden wet brightness in Jim’s eyes forcing him turn away to hide his tears.

‘I did what I had to do Spock, like always.’

Jim crossed his arms over his chest to keep himself warm, cold even in the oppressive heat of Spock’s room.

Jim heard Spock’s shaky sigh and felt the resolve hardening inside Spock’s chest before he spoke; ‘Now you may have doomed us both.’

Jim couldn’t keep the derisive laugh in, ‘Bullshit.’ Jim replied, rounding on Spock and pointing as he admonished, ‘Your parent’s worked out fine so don’t give me that crap excuse of too dangerous, too violent again Spock. I don’t believe you and neither does your subconscious apparently.’

Jim folded his arms across his chest again, a mocking grin on his face.

Spock expression changed from incredulous surprise to outright derision in a microsecond as he shot up from his spot on the floor.

‘And what would you know of my subconscious after one short lived invasion of my memories? You know nothing of my history or my people. That you presume to know these things is as insulting as it is incorrect.’

Jim felt the anger in Spock’s mind invade his own making his temper flare as the last vestiges of self control burned away, making him step towards his antagonist.

‘I know more than I think you like you self deluded bastard.’ Jim felt a twinge of satisfaction as Spock’s left eye twitched in irritation at being insulted so casually, even in private.

‘I know that a bond can’t be formed against someone’s will or without intent on both sides. That a deep emotional and intellectual connection as well as mental compatibility are essential for success and that an emotional and information exchange from both parties is needed to cement the bond you knowitall, stuck up, self deluding PRICK!’ Jim’s last words are ended at maximum volume; his hands clenched tightly at his sides, chest heaving as he glares his first down with the anger flowing freely through his eyes and the bond.

The silence is palpable; the only sound that of the engines of the Enterprise and Jim’s heavy breathing as he tried to get his anger under control.

‘Well?’ Jim asks once he’s managed to stop wheezing, the stony silence from his friend not a good sign at all.

Spock seems like a statue in the semi-darkness, a work of art carved from marble; as cold, beautiful and remote as the stars themselves. Jim can feel the conflict in Spock, the emotions flickering around too fast for him to catch.

Jim shakes his head as he turns and walks half way towards the door of Spock’s quarters. Being so close to Spock isn’t’ helping his temper climb back into it’s box at all, he needs some space and time before he’s willing to finish this conversation. Maybe some distance will help the both of them wind down.

Jim stops a few paces from the locked door and turns back towards his still motionless friend, face as carefully blank as he can make it with both his own and Spock’s rage simmering just below the surface; ‘I need some space ok? I’m going for a walk. Try not to die while I’m gone.’

Spock’s answering glare is just as heated but when Jim opens his mouth to disengage the privacy locks Spock leaps, a menacing grown issuing from somewhere deep in his chest as he spear tackles Jim to the ground.

Jim’s taken by surprise and barely has time to pull his hands up to brace against Spock’s chest before he’s hitting the ground with the taller man on top; head spinning as he tries to get some oxygen back into his lungs and his hands up to protect his vulnerable head.

‘You still do not understand!’ Spock growls out. Jim knows his eyes are wide, showing too much white as he fights against Spock’s weight to pull his hands up to shove the heavier man off of him.

Spock, quick as a snake grabs each of Jim’s hands in a vice like grip and pins them down easily on either side of Jim’s head.

Jim feels the hot breath of his first across his face as he stares up into Spock’s brown, feral eyes and feels the first jolt of true fear of his own. He’d forgotten just how much stronger Spock was than himself.

Stupid, Jim thinks. Never pick a fight with someone in a higher weight class Jim boy, unless you got numbers or strat at your back.

The rage Spock’s projecting through the bond gutters, Jim’s fear cooling the worst of the anger before he speaks.

‘You are my bonded now Jim.’ The words are heavy, almost having a physical weight that holds Jim in place as much as Spock’s grip on his arms, ‘When the fever takes hold it is you I will reach for. You I will lust after; mindless and nigh unstoppable in my pursuit of that which belongs with and too me. Even if you were to leave now I would come for you. Hunt you and those who had taken or sheltered you down and destroy them and anything that lay in my path to get you back. Vulcan’s in the depths of the Plak Tow have been known to tear other’s limb from limb for merely talking to their bonded. To leave now would be…unwise.’

Jim’s left speechless as he stares into Spock’s dark eyes. He hadn’t considered how Spock would react to being bonded before he’d crowbared his way inside his friends mind to link them together. He’d just trusted his gut and acted, like always. He hadn’t considered how that decision would affect the rest of his crew, his family. If he left Spock like this now he’d be putting the whole crew, hell the whole ship in danger just to get away from Spock’s bullshit denials. No way could he do that.

Slowly, Jim closes his mouth and lets his body relax under Spock’s, the tension easing out of his rigid limbs as his breathing comes back under control.

Jim stares up into Spock’s pensive face as he tries to think. Clearly, Spock wasn’t kidding about the Vulcan possessiveness. He can feel the almost physical need to be close to Jim thrumming through the bond, even the minimal skin contact between them making it stronger than before. He knows that he can’t leave now and keep the crew as well as Spock safe, so it looks like he’ll be staying put for a while.

Jim’s not virginal by anyone’s standards and he’s never really been that picky about what species a potential partner has been either but the idea of sleeping with his first is somehow equal parts disturbing and fascinating. It’s not like he hasn’t been with other males before. Jim is an equal opportunist and objectively he knew Spock was sexier than most of the guys he’d been with before . Jim hadn’t ever allowed himself to think of his crew (aside from Uhura but that was just playing, not for real) in a sexual way before, he was their captain and needed to be better than that. They gave him their trust, put their lives in his hand’s; Jim felt the least he could do was not to hook up with them and hurt them. They deserved better from their Captain. They were his family now.

For the first time Jim allowed himself to really look at Spock, to see what he’d always refused to acknowledge before. Spock was tall, but not too tall; just the right height for Jim to reach up and kiss without it being too awkward to hold for long. His leonine body was well toned but he was faster and stronger than Jim, always besting him on the mat during their sparing sessions. Letting his eyes roam freely over Spock’s face he allowed the details to really impact on him; the smooth, silky black hair, the delicately pointed ears, soft full lips, and deep brown eyes. Those eyes that stared back into Jim’s with fierceness and intensity that made Jim want to squirm away from such a severe scrutiny.

The whole added up to much more than the sum of its parts though. All together Spock went from attractive to a knock out. Coupled with the slightly green flush on his high cheek bones meant that if Jim had met Spock in a darkened club instead of a Starfleet hearing of misconduct, he’d have chased him down like a homing pulsar missile. Jim had always had a weakness for the colour green.

Jim found that knowing Spock was attractive to him eased out the remainder of his doubts about the whole scenario, made the whole situation that much easier to deal with.

After all, their friendship had survived worse than some intense physical and emotional intimacy, had even blossomed in the wake of the destruction of Vulcan and his death at the hands of Khan. They would weather this storm together as they had all those that had come before it, Jim was certain. He wouldn’t let something as stupid as sex come between himself and one of his closest friends.

Now all he had to do was convince Spock that bedding his first wasn’t the hardship he thought it would be and get on with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter! If it makes you feel any better the next chapter is called 'Seduction, Kirk Style.' I'll let you decide what that means :p


	12. Seduction, Kirk Style

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get steamy between our newly bonded boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again,  
> Sorry this is later than anticipated. May be another chapter soon. Also I blame netflix and Hemlock Grove...

Jim allowed his calm to flow through the bond that stretched invisible but strong between them as he wiggled his hips gently to get more comfortable.

He felt Spock go rigid above him as he moved, the feeling of Spock’s thighs pressing down making Jim feel hot again in the sweltering room.

‘Who say’s I’m going anywhere?’ Jim lets his face pull into his familiar smile,‘Sounds to me like the safest place for us to stay is right here. Not to mention this is the safest place for us to be for the rest of the crew and my ship. Couldn’t have you hurting my girl.’

Spock’s face would never have betrayed him if Jim couldn’t feel the turmoil behind the blank facade. He wanted Jim, more than he would admit aloud and yet refused to give into his primal urge to take him.

Gently, careful not to move to fast and spook his conflicted Vulcan Jim eased his right hand up off the floor to run his index and middle fingers across the back of Spock’s hand where it held his writs firmly in place.

‘Besides,’ Jim spoke as he lightly caressed the smooth, pale skin, ‘ I think we’ll be to busy to go anywhere anytime soon.’

The high, almost pained keen that escaped Spock’s mouth at the brush of skin on skin was enough to make Jim’s grin impossibly wide as he started drawing circles across the back of his first hand.

Spock shivered, the motion starting at his head and working its way down his body like a ripple in a still pond, the motion making Jim’s body tighten and flush as he stared up at Spock’s closed eyes. 

A hot spike of arousal shot though the link, making Jim gasp and arch against Spock’s hold as he felt an equally burning jolt thunder through their bond and into Spock.

The sharp tensing of his thighs against Jim’s sides was the only indication that the feeling hit home, the knowledge of what his body could do to Spock’s hard won control forcing him to suppress a throaty moan.

‘Jim, please. Do not… my control…’ 

Jim watched on, enraptured by the sight of Spock’s battle for control of his baser urges. Eyes squeezed shut tight, blood thundering through his veins as he battled his own body for dominance.

Jim decided that this was the perfect time to take control of proceedings.

Before Spock could react, Jim pushed upwards with his right arm while pulling Spock towards him with his left, effectively swapping their positions.

Taken of guard Spock landed on the hard floor with a loud ‘omph’ hands releasing Jim’s wrists to try and break his fall.

Jim didn’t straddle Spock, but pressed down on him from between the Vulcan’s parted thighs, his hands pressed flat against the floor as he leaned on them, his face hovering mere inches above Spock’s.

Jim grinned again, happy that for once he’d managed to flip Spock after being pinned. In all their training spars in the gym, once Spock had anyone pinned they didn’t get up until they’d tapped out. Jim included.

‘You must be preoccupied Spock, that’s never worked before.’

Jim watched eagerly as Spock swallowed heavily, the surprise and arousal spiking high for a brief second before a second emotion rendered his arms suddenly useless, almost collapsing him on top of Spock for a brief moment before he recovered himself.

Jim pressed himself down on Spock’s rigid form beneath him, the friction eliciting a heady moan from both parties.

‘Stop arguing with me Spock. Seriously.’ Jim punctuated his words with a soft thrust against Spock’s still rigid body, ‘I mean, if I didn’t want this do you really think I’d be quite so eager. Or so fucking hard?’ Jim extenuated the last word with a firm thrust against his first, the sensation making his eyes flutter and his breath hitch.

‘I, Jim. My control…’ Spock managed only a few weak protests, his hips raising to meed Jim’s, his body automatically seeking more friction, more contact. More of Jim.

Eyes squeezed tightly shut Jim pushed himself into Spock’s now responsive form, ‘Fuck your control already and fuck me,’ Jim whispered as he lent down to press his lips gently against Spock’s own.


	13. Naked Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Naked Time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's commented. Love you all!

The first kiss is chaste, the barest press of warm lips to cool before Spock opened for him. Jim took his chance and dove in, delicately caressing Spocks’ tongue with his own as he breathed in the heavy scent that was all Spock.

Spock’s answering caress is firm, pushing his way insistently into Jim’s mouth to taste. The kiss grew, both of them fighting for air and more contact as they pressed against each other restlessly.

Jim nips Spock’s lower lip, caught up in sensation forgetting the situation entirely, lust drunk as he is.

The deadly sounding growl that emanates out of his firsts mouth brings it all home. Jim has a second to realize his mistake before he’s thrown violently backwards to land short of breath on the floor. The shock lasts only a second but it paralyses Jim long enough for Spock to take the upper hand and land squarely on his captain, covering him with his body as he pushes his way back into the warm, wet heat of Jim’s mouth.

The bond between them thrums into life, naked want and lust pouring through from Spock and filling Jim’s head with a need so hard and hot that it physically hurts.

Jim hears a pitiful whine and realizes that it came from him before Spock breaks the kiss and deft hands start trailing down his torso and up underneath his uniform.

‘Oh, god.’ Jim manages to gasp as each nipple is pinched and rolled deftly between Spock’s oh so talented fingers.

Jim can feel his hips canting up into thin air, the physical want making him keen as the cool fingers trail tantalizingly lower.

Jim reaches up to touch, the need for something solid under his hands overpowering but instead he gets another deep warning growl. The answering clench in his stomach makes him giddy and Jim grasps the carpet beneath him as if he’ll fall off into space if he lets go.

Spocks’ face is a mask of shadows as Jim peers blearily at his friend down the length of his body.

Spocks’ eyes are wide, pupils blown so far out to make his brown eyes appear black in the low light.

Spock, as far as Jim could describe, purred with delight as Jim trembled in his grip.

Jim let his eyes trail down his firsts body, the sudden need to see him naked almost making him release his death grip on the carpet, sit up and rip the clothing off him.

The warning rumble returned and Jim looked up from staring at the distinctive bulge beneath Spock’s robe into his eyes to see the feral snarl flit across his pale face.

Jim swallowed thickly, the excitement and fear mixing together sending him high enough to make his head swim and his body ache with the need of release.

Jim’s eyes slid closed as he felt delicate yet strong fingers ease his uniform top up off his torso, tickling and teasing as they went.

Spock’s preoccupation with removing Jim’s shirt was enough distraction for him to reach up from his death grip on the floor to pull at the chord keeping Spock’s dark robe closed. The feeling of Spock’s fingers trailing up his bare skin soon derailed any further plans he had and he balled up his fist in the dark fabric of his first robe as the electric shocks thundered through his system.

Spock managed to pull Jim’s shirt up and over his head, stopping to pry his hands loose from his robe and the carpet beneath them both before roughly shrugging Jim out of his shirt an easing his black pants down his thighs.

Then, slowly, making sure that Jim was watching, Spock pulled open the last tie of his robe. Jim watched on eagerly, breathlessly waiting to see, no, needing to see Spocks cock now.

Jim whined as Spock’s robe parted and all of Spock came into view.

Jim’s breath came out in a sudden rush, Jim himself unaware that he’d been holding his breath at all.

‘Oh, god yes.’ Jim said aloud, voice rough and gravely with his need to touch and taste, bite and suck riding roughshod over any other coherent thought.


	14. Sweet Dreams, Sweetheart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally our boys get there.

The tip was blushed a deep olive green, the same colour as the veins that ran up each side. He was not smooth, a fine dusting of hair covering his whole sack like down. His balls were heavy, hard and sore looking beneath the beautiful cock. Jim could feel the saliva filling his mouth at the thought of his lips around something so pretty.

He thought the image aloud, the bond between them flaring as Spock read it from him as an answering wave of lust and want coursed back at Jim.

Quickly, before Spock had any time to recover he pushed himself up off the floor and pressed his lips to the tip of Spock’s aching cock. Jim felt Spock go rigid again, limbs freezing in place before he relaxed into the feeling and allowed Jim to stay where he was.

Spock’s cock tasted better than Jim had imagined, the pulsing flesh in his mouth having some distinctive yet indescribable flavor that made Jim’s cock ache in response.

Jim kept his lips sealed around Spock as he eased his legs out from underneath his first and managed to manoeuvre himself into a kneeling position while still applying constant suction as he laved the underside with his tongue.

Finally in a position to do so Jim started bobbing up and down, drawing more and more of Spock’s tasty cock into his mouth each time he lowered down, working his lips closer and closer to the base with each successive bob.

It’d been ages since Jim had last deep throated anybody, but he was glad in this moment that he’d learned how to.

He relaxed his throat and took the last inch in the down-stroke, swallowing convulsively around the hardness buried inside. Delicately, so as not to trigger his gag reflex he breathed in deeply around the sizable cock filling his mouth and managed a hard suck before needing to pull off, tears welling in his eyes.

Blinking the tears away, Jim knelt in front of Spock, utterly passive while small tingly tremors racked his body while he stared, eyes half lidded with lust at his first.

Spock knelt in front of him, pose identical to Jim’s as they sat staring at each other.

Jim’s sure that his brain should be working better than this but all he can seem to think about is reaching out and touching the soft, green tinted skin in front of him.

Like someone hypnotized Jim watches fascinated as his right hand rises up to rest against Spock’s chest, fingers splayed in the ta’lal over the center of his torso.

Softly, slowly Jim slides his hand up Spock’s perfect leonine muscled chest to rest against his face, fingers in the meld points as if he’d start the mind connection himself.

The words drift out of the depths of Jim’s subconscious and out of his mouth before he can stop to censor or consider them.

‘Parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched. We meet at the appointed place.’

Surprise flits across Spock’s face briefly before his eyes are filled with a primal satisfaction and his hand rises to rest on Jim’s face, a twin to Jim’s own. The words are deep and rumble out of Spock’s chest like thunder rumbling ahead of the storm, ‘Parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched. I await you.’

The words out Jim feels the bond expand to fill his senses and suddenly he can feel his face and Spock’s, his hand touching Spock’s face and the feel of his own face beneath Spock’s oh so sensitive fingers. Jim could feel the animalistic joy and need pulsing under Spock’s skin that only the ritual hardwired into Spock’s/his species since the time before time could have derailed.

He felt and saw himself gasp, eyes that weren’t his staring at his own face.

“Is that how blue his eyes were? How gold his hair? How strange” Jim thought

Spock drifted his hand down Jim’s face to rest on his chest, the feeling of skin moving under his/Spock’s fingertips so realistic he wasn’t sure if he was moving or not.

Gently, Spock gripped his shoulder and moved forwards, pushing Jim backwards onto the floor once more. The disorientation left him giddy and breathless as he simultaneously stared up at Spock and down at himself.

Eyes so dark that they reflected the image of himself naked on the floor stared at Jim as Spock moved slightly away separating the physical touch as a nudge through their link made Jim pull his knees up and plant his feet on the floor.

Never blinking, Spock raised two fingers to his mouth and sucked them in slowly, rolling them with his tongue to moisten them better. The feeling made Jim gasp, and part his knees, back arching again as he watched himself, thoroughly debauched through Spock’s eyes. Jim could feel how sensitive Spock’s fingers really were now as he felt them being prepared and felt embarrassed for all the times he’d accidentally touched his mates hands inadvertently in public.

Spock pulled his now wet and slippery fingers out of his mouth and rubbed them together as he leaned between Jim’s parted thighs. Gently, Spock pushed one finger inside, working Jim with a practiced ease that Jim hadn’t expected from his first, before adding the second. Jim’s breath came in gasps; the dual feelings making him dizzy and breathless, his aching cock pulse with need.

Jim watched Spock’s movements from two angles as he loosened Jim up, his back arching every time Spock scissored his fingers.

Even like this, Jim though, Spock was too beautiful for words. The though was echoed back at him just as a third finger was added making him gasp and shudder. The feeling of being so full is one that Jim had missed; it had been a long time since he’d last been fucked.

Jim whined as Spock stilled suddenly and removed his fingers making Jim feel empty. The wave of jealously and possessiveness crested and broke in a snarling fury writ large across the Vulcan’s face.

Spock growled; savage, guttural and surged forwards towards Jim, his grip on his thigh bruising.

Jim’s first thought is apologetic as he felt the tide of emotion swell over him, replaced just a quickly by a challenge; to do better, be better than any the infamous James T Kirk had bedded before so that he’d never want another.

Spock leaned down and kissed Jim hard on the mouth, tongue and teeth fighting against Jim’s in a fierce assault that left him breathless and diamond hard.

Jim managed a gulp of air and stared up into his friend eyes.

‘Please.’ The word was simple but the emotion behind it was not. He wanted Spock, like he’d never wanted anyone before, needed him to quench the fire burning him up from the inside out. Jim could feel the physical need that rushed through Spock’s veins as his own, the only balm lay in the flesh of his bonded. Jim felt like he’d go mad if he didn’t come soon.

Spock’s face softened and he carefully kissed Jim’s forehead as he pushed his way inside his captain.

Jim’s mouth opened but no sound came out, his lips forming a perfect O as he stared up unseeing at Spocks eyes as he slid home.

Spock stilled and closed his eyes, Jim could feel him willing himself not to come to soon, let Jim acclimatize.

As soon as the sting had faded Spock started in earnest, thrusting himself slowly in and out of Jim’s body in long, languid movements, each time brushing against that spot in Jim’s body hard enough to draw a sharp cry of pleasure from his mate.

His ecstatic grin grew wilder as Jim’s thoughts moved from incoherence to ‘more, harder, faster, please,’ while his cries grew louder with every thrust.

Jim could feel the end coming, the wave building inside to the point where all he could think was ‘more, please more’ as he pushed back eagerly to meet each and every thrust. That movement made Spock rhythm falter as he started fucking Jim in earnest, so hard that Jim felt himself moving across the carpet with every entry and had to grab Spocks shoulders to stay as close as they both needed him too.

With one last bone jarring thrust Jim came, cock untouched in the kind of orgasm most only dream off, strings of his come decorating both his and Spock’s bare chests. The feeling of Jim’s orgasm through their link pushed Spock over the edge too and he thrust once, twice more into his captain before howling his own release, the physical feedback smacking into Jim like a brick wall as he felt Spock’s release as his own. Jim’s eyes rolled back into his head as he went blind, stars careening across his vision as he convulsed beneath the warm, heavy weight of a blissed out Spock on top of him.

When he finally came back to himself Jim could feel Spock’s body pressed flush against his own, spooning him tightly in the quiet darkness. Jim went to say something, but a tender kiss pressed into his temple made him sigh contentedly instead as he snuggled closer into his Vulcan, allowed his breathing to slow before dozing off into dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, they finally did the deed. 'Bout time too!  
> For all of you who have been reading, thank you so much! You have kept me going when I wondered if I'd ever get this far.  
> You can either consider this the end of the fic OR you can put up with my slow ass updates into the future. I still have plans for these boys.  
> Whatever you decide, thank you all again. All my love, Ficarella.


	15. Restless Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim wakes up from a bad dream and has a private moment of contemplation.

Jim woke up suddenly, a strangled gasp escaping as he shuddered into consciousness. Spock shifted uneasily beside him, hands curling possessively around his waist as he lay, desperately trying to catch his breath. It took Jim a moment to realize that he was on the enterprise, safe and sound inside his ship as the last of the dream slipped away. Jim had tried for years to stop the dream from taking him, dragging him back into the one time and place he’d love dearly never to have to see again, but to no avail. He’d had them at least once a week, sometimes more or less for years but since he woke up in the hospital after being dead he’d seen Tarsus, drenched in blood and tears as Kodos executed so many friends every single night. Usually, Jim woke up struggling and kicking against the invisible hands that held him back; hands that stopped him from fighting the soldiers as they took his friends and family from their homes to be slaughtered. Normally he’d find the arms of another too restricting after the dream, but the feeling of Spock’s arms wrapped tightly around his waist was comforting instead of constricting. A small smile graced his lips as he huffed out an amused breath. Of course Spock would be different, he usually was.

Distractedly, Jim scratched at the itchy spot on his chest, dry cum flaking off as he ran his hands across his torso. Jim scrunched his face up in a scowl, he was usually much more fastidious with his personal hygiene than this. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been too fucked out to get up and get clean after sex. Not that there had been anyone for a while. Thinking about sex pushed the heavy, consuming lust lingering in his mind to the front.

Now that he thought of it, Jim could feel the need rolling underneath his skin as he rolled over to stare at his first, the desire to touch and kiss and own the slender body cuddled against his almost enough to drag him under. But he’d spent years carefully controlling his responses to others (and to Spock) and pushed it down to focus on more immediate concerns, like not dying of dehydration.

Carefully, he removed the hands wound tightly around his body before making his way over to the surprisingly undamaged replicator unit. His mouth was dry as a Vulcan desert and Jim could feel an insistent knot of hunger forming in his gut.

The machine hummed quietly as he ordered three large glasses of water and a carb loaded pasta dish before he instructed it to spit out a few pillows and a couple of blankets. He was still sweating in the oppressive heat but he could feel Spock’s discomfort at the chill, even in sleep. Jim skulled the first two glasses and binned them before taking his pasta and last glass back towards his sleeping friend as he left the machine to do it’s work.

Jim wolfed down the plate of food, barely tasting it as he watched his closest friend sleeping. The tension and fear that had carved Spock into a mockery of his usually calm, collected and smooth self were gone now, erased by the soothing balm of sleep. His face was relaxed, more open that Jim remembered ever seeing it. The comparison to his friend’s normal demeanour and the open and almost innocent one he now wore made Jim frown, the notion that even when it was just the two of them together playing chess his friend still kept up the icy wall making him sad. How much had he held back over the years? How much did he hide? And why? Jim finished his food with a frown before padding over to the disposal unit, dropping his empty plate and cup inside before gathering up the finished bedding and dragging it all back towards Spock.

Gently, careful not to wake him, Jim lifted Spock’s head to push a fluffy pillow underneath before covering him with a couple of the blankets. Spock’s big hands snaked out from under the covers to grab one of Jim’s as he tucked the bedding around Spock’s body and he made soothing noises until Spock’s grip eased and he could feel the blood rushing back into his fingertips. Jim pushed the second pillow into Spock’s chest where he clutched it eagerly, snuggling into it as he curled tighter into himself. Jim felt something warm clench in his chest, a dopey smile form unbidden on his face before he stood and headed off towards the shower unit to clean himself up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been ages since an update, and for that I am truly sorry. I'm trying to get myself on a schedule at the moment and making more time to write as it's something I enjoy and don't seem to be able to do enough of lately. I've got my arc all figured out, now i just need to get it out of my head and into my computer for you guys (and me).   
> Thank you all for your wonderful comments and encouragement. I love you all.  
> Fanks!  
> Ficarella


	16. Hard Knock Snuggles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shocks for both lead to snuggle time. Who doesn't like snuggles?

Jim had almost finished in the shower; all the tension and worry running down the drain along with all that wonderful hot water as he just stood there and let it all go. Eyes closed, head tilted back he let the spray run over his face and down over his body as he happily thought of nothing.

The sudden jolt of primal fear that shot though the bond made Jim cry out, his shout paired with Spock’s from the other room. Jim gasps as he feels himself get lost for a moment in his own head as his heart beat hits warp in two seconds flat, his body already reacting to the danger perceived by his mate.

With numb and clumsy fingers he pulls the toggles to cut the water and leaps out of the cubicle, only to slip on the moist plascreet and slide unceremoniously head first to a halt beside the door of the fresher room.

Jim stared up muggily as the door beside him slowly opened, a menacing growl trickling through the widening gap before Spock stepped into view.

He’s poised for battle, his body rigid with tension as it gracefully insinuates itself into the room via the doors thin opening, unable to open any further as Jim was now wedged tightly between it and the wall.

Even dazed Jim can appreciate the beauty of his first, all long leonine lines and smooth acres of skin. The feral growl making the hairs on every one of Jim’s limb stand to attention as that familiar curl of anticipation wind its way up though his gut to coil in his belly.

He must have made some sound, a small gasp or maybe a moan that gives away his presence as Spock’s head whipped around and down to find Jim sprawled boneless and naked on the floor beside him.

The moment Spock sees him, Jim feels as if he's been set on fire. The fierce need and lust that flares through the bond between them has Jim’s cock jumping to attention faster than a teenager's at a strip joint. The jealous possession and almost all consuming desire to protect what's his elbow’s its way in there too, the vastly conflicting emotions paralyzing even Jim momentarily.

Jim just watches as Spock crouches down beside him, resting easily on his haunches as he slams the door closed behind him with snarl.

Jim shudders as liquid dark eyes roam across his body, watching silently as Spock’s fingers twitch as if needing to touch but afraid of being un-welcome, as he examines every inch of Jim’s splayed form.

Finally, Spock’s gaze travels up Jim’s goose bump covered body to meet Jim’s eyes, his need and longing crystal clear in their dark depths.

Without a sound Jim vaults up and flings himself at his mate’s body, crashing them both down hard onto the tiled floor as he crushes their bodies together. Briefly Jim can feel Spock’s urge to fight against his hold almost gain the upper hand but it’s gently brushed aside as his hands roam across sensitive Vulcan skin; soothing away the urge as his mouth utters meaningless sweet nothings, both of them needing the physical as well as the visual reassurance that they were OK.

‘Jim?’

The words shock Jim into stillness, his eyes meeting Spock’s as he stops his attempts to calm his fretting mate.

Long arms wrap around Jim’s body as he’s rolled to the side, the feeling of Spock curled around him, protecting him makes him feel more content than he has in a long time. Safe.

‘Jim.’ The single syllable is warm and filled with need and it’s all Jim can do not to cry at the intense relief that floods his system through the link.

They stay like that for a while, both just curled up together on the tile floor; minds blank as they sink into the moment. Content for now that they are safe and together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late again. But it's up! The next one is filled with sexy time. Mucho sexy time.  
> Also, I'll apologies for any inconsistencies in tense. Don't know why I had so much trouble with this chapter but oh well. It's done now.


	17. Night Terrors?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has a dream which comes true.

Jim doesn’t know how long they lay there, curled up together on the bathroom floor. He must have fallen asleep at some point though because he’s pretty sure they don’t have any black silk sheets on the ship and that he isn’t in his bed back on earth with a naked Spock gently nipping his way down his body while lovingly stroking his cock.

Jim’s breath catches in his throat as Spock licks his way around Jim’s navel and down the trail of light coloured hair to take Jim’s oversensitive cock into his cool, wet mouth and suddenly Jim reaaaaly doesn’t care if it’s is real or not, as long as Spock doesn’t stop.

Jim groans, loud and long as his hands fist tightly in the slippery fabric underneath them both as Spock works him over like a pro, hands grazing Jim’s sides as his tongue flicks against the sensitive underside of Jim’s cock head.

Jim’s not sure how long he’ll last like this, insides turning molten as he watches his cock disappearing into Spocks oh so soft lips down the long length of his body but he reckons it won’t be long if he keeps this up.

Spock presses hard onto Jim’s perineum, making Jim’s head snap back against the bed only to find, not the softness of pillows but the hard solidity of plascreet tiling.

‘Ow.’

Jim tries to reach up to rub at his sore head only to find that his arms are quickly taken in Spock’s iron like grip and pushed back against the cold tile as insistent but soft lips press against his own.

Jim moans open mouthed into Spock’s kiss, his body already needy from the dream now almost red hot with desire. Jim can feel the fever rolling over them both, the rage and need pushing more pressing matters aside as it demands to be fed.

Spock’s tongue licks deftly into Jim’s open mouth, hands releasing their bruising hold on his mates’ wrists to press against his open hands. Greedily Spock devours Jim’s moth, lips and teeth working against Jim’s in a near frenzy as his fingers link with Jim’s against the cold tiles.

The lust and need obliterate everything in their path and Jim can hear himself making lost, little moans as their mouths press tightly together as Spock straddles him. Jim’s hips cant up, his body desperately seeking release in any way it can.

Spock breaks the kiss suddenly, releasing his holds and drawing Jim’s left hand off the wall to his mouth before ardently drawing three fingers inside kiss swollen lips.

Jim’s brain goes into standby as Spock fucks his own mouth with Jim’s fingers, their hips bucking in time to push their weeping cocks together, both now desperate for some kind of friction.

Jim runs his free hand down Spock’s side, fingers splaying possessively out across his hip as he gently pulls his fingers from Spock’s loosening grip.

No words are needed between them as Jim urges Spock to lift a little higher before plunging each of the three now dripping fingers into Spock’s hole.

Jim watches eagerly as Spock’s eyes close, his body pulsing reflexively around Jim’s fingers now buried deep inside his body.

Jim gives Spock a moment to acclimatize before he’s working the rings of muscles, scissoring and gently twisting to prep him.

Jim reaches for that soft spot he knows should be there in a human body and gasps happily up at Spock’s shocked expression as he rubs against it. Enraptured, he listens as Spock’s head is thrown backwards and an almost pained filled wail fills the room.

Jim stops, not sure if he should keep going but then Spock’s head lolls forwards and their eyes meet. The look contained in those dark pools almost melts Jim’s bones out of his body before Spock starts riding Jim’s fingers in earnest.

A few thrusts more and Jim decides Spock’s plenty loose. He gently pulls his fingers from Spock’s ass and pumps himself a few times only to have Spock push his hands away and sink slowly all the way down on Jim’s cock in one fluid movement.

Jim can feel Spock still as he bottoms out, a deep rumbling groan escaping as he stills. Jim grips Spock hips tightly, fingers leaving green bruises behind in his effort not to arch up and into the hot wet centre of his mate.

A moment later and Spock’s riding Jim, bouncing almost all the way off before impaling himself on his Captains dick. Jim can feel something moist seep out of Spock’s ass but can’t seem to keep the thought in his head as he stares up at his first fucking himself relentlessly onto his cock.

Arms taught and fists tinged green in strain as they press against the wall on either side of Jim’s head, his thighs and calves straining to get more height as he rides Jim’s lap in clockwork timing, head thrown back as he gasps and keens, impaling that tender spot again and again and again.

Jim’s not sure how long anyone can last looking at the sight of his friend so debauched. But he knows it can’t be long. Every thrust drags them closer to the edge, teetering there almost painfully.

Head still tossed back, his right hand brushes up and across Jim’s shoulder to his face in that achingly familiar way and suddenly Jim’s in Spock’s head. The physical feedback stuns Jim, his mouth dropping open in pure shock as the feelings thunder back and forth between them. Jim can’t come until Spock does, each of them now just a single half of their whole.

Jim grasps Spock’s thighs tightly with both hands and thrusts roughly up into Spock, pounding against the soft sensitive gland with such relentless force that they both scream their release suddenly and loud, their shouts echoing back again and again inside the small, tiled chamber. Jim’s hands leave more marks in Spocks otherwise perfectly pale skin as they both come back, their almost pained gasps and heady moans the perfect accompaniment to the dying thunder in their ears.

Jim leans back, head knocking gently against the tiles as he sags, breathless and sated against the tiled wall, Spock still impaled as they come down from their stratospheric high.

Spock’s forehead presses against the cold tile to Jim’s right and out of the corner of his eye Jim thinks he sees a soft smile grace the perfect lips of his first for just a moment before he gently pulls his quivering thighs up and off his now softening cock to rest flush against his lap.

Spock purrs happily, as he winds his long lanky limbs around Jim’s shoulders sinuously. Jim shudders, hugging his arms tightly about Spock’s waist as he feels Spock’s forehead rest heavily on his shoulder.

Jim sighs, happy to just sit and bask in the afterglow with his mate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been ages but I AM still working on this. I know my updates haven't been regular but I promise I will finish this series. Probably won't be finished this year though. It's going to be a long and sexy ride :)  
> Thanks to everyone who's posted comments. Appreciate them all.


	18. Clean and Dirty Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our boys clean up and get dirty.

Eventually Jim’s body decides that it would prefer to not be pushed into the cold tile floor and begins to ache. He can feel Spock’s reluctance to let him up but pushes the taller man off lovingly for just long enough to drag his heavy frame to its feet.

Inwardly Jim can feel Spock pout, grumpy at being forced to move but he stays glued to Jim’s side as Jim cleans them both off with a ship issue towel before dumping it into the fresher and pulling the water toggles out to get the shower going again.

**_If McCoy asks what I need all this water for I can always claim medical reasons_** , Jim thinks as he steps into the cubicle, testing the temperature with his hand. Jim smiles evilly as he adjusts the toggles and imagines the horrified expression his explanation would bring to McCoy’s face. **_Priceless._**

Spock grouses as they clamber into the shower, fatigue making both of them clumsy, well, making Jim clumsy. Jim thinks that Spock is as enviously coordinated as ever as he helps him into the small enclosed space with ease.

As they step into the jets Jim lets out a weary sigh as the water slides over his skin, beating gently against his face as he stands under the spray, Spock flattened firmly against his back. Jim thinks this is possibly the best shower he’d ever had, bar none.

A soft smile forms on Jim’s face as smooth hands brush the water from his body as he’s turned around under the flow. A lot of that awesome shower power attributed to the man in front of him.

When Jim opens his eyes and looks up at his first Spock is staring at him speculatively, hands exploring Jim’s moist skin as he stands passively under the water.

Finally, Spock leans down into the spray to press his lips to Jim’s, the soft plump flesh molding under the pressure before they are suddenly pushed towards the tiled wall, Jim shoving Spock up against the cold tile so hard that the loud crack the taller man’s head colliding with the tiles echoes around them.

A growl escapes Spock’s throat, silenced by a single look from Jim as he slowly drops down to his knees on the slippery tiled floor.

The water pelts against his back, stray droplets catching in his hair creating a glistening halo before running down to drop onto the hard piece of flesh below his chin, while tiny specs of water catch in his lashes.

Jim can still feel that need and want rippling though the bond but it’s calmer now, their recent efforts taking the sharp, painful edge off. It’s still there, still waiting but for now it’s ignorable for Jim, back to what it was like to be a teenager, sort of. The constant desire something he learned to ignore years ago.

Now though, Spock’s eyes are only for him as Jim peeks up at him from under his golden lashes, tiny droplets sparking like glitter in the low lights.

A soft intake of breath, the sound barely audible over the rushing water greets Jim’s lopsided smile as he stares up at Spock, replaced by a thready moan as he runs a wet tongue over his mate’s glistening head.

Jim watches as Spock’s hands clench and unclench at his sides again, the un-anticipated situation leaving the Vulcan at a loss as to what to do with his hands. Jim can feel the desire to touch and somehow hold Jim almost bursting through the link as he sets his mouth to work.

Jim suckles the slick flesh slowly, tongue laving at the sensitive underside of the head as he sucks each inch slowly inside. Jim’s hands guide long, pale fingers to curl against his face before releasing them to trail up his face to bunch in Jim’s short, golden hair. Jim briefly worries that Spock’s going to tighten his grip but when nothing happens he relaxes again. Spock doesn’t attempt to control his movements, Jim decides as he strokes his hands up Spock’s taught pale thighs, it’s more as if Spock needed something more solid than the walls around them to keep grounded in the moment.

Jim smiles at the though as he runs eager hands up the long, hard expanse of Spock’s chest, eyelids fluttering coquettishly as he stares up at Spock, the Vulcan’s hard cock now most of the way down Jim’s throat.

The loud groan that comes out of his mate makes Jim shudder and gag a little on the hardness deep in his throat, his left hand resting on Spock’s shapely hip bone while his right gently rolled Spock’s balls between deft and nimble fingers.

Jim has to push Spock back against the tiles as he caresses his balls, the stronger Vulcan’s hips canting towards Jim as he takes the last inch inside, his eyes welling with tears as he swallows against the still unfamiliar sensation.

Slowly, he pulls off, the frantic moans and thrashing of Spock making Jim think he’s close now.

Quickly, Jim licks a finger and before Spock has time to notice eases it into this body.

Jim watches up the hard planes of Spock’s torso as he stiffens, whole body going taut with tension before he pushes back against the clearly not unwelcome intrusion.

Jim sucks the head of Spock’s cock like he would a lollypop, loud slurps and obscene wet smacks mixing with Spock’s rumbling moans as he searches for that spot inside his friend that will push him off the edge into the oblivion of bliss.

Finally, Jim finds it and strokes it, gentle but firm as he seals his lips around his lovers head and sucks for all he’s worth.

With a cry Spock bucks into Jim’s mouth, hips and body wracked with pleasure as his hands tighten almost to the point of pain but not quite, in Jim’s hair. Jim catches the seed greedily in his mouth, swallowing it down thickly.

The orgasm, faint though it was through the bond without the meld was almost enough to set Jim off but he manages to push it aside, not sure how much more he’s going to have to do before they can sleep again. **_Man’s only got so much to give_** , he thinks before he feels Spock’s fingers loosen and slide down his body.

Spock slides down the tiled wall to sit, breathless and flushed a pretty light green on the shower floor, legs spread and body so completely devoid of tension Jim thinks that he could slide down the drain with the water.

Grinning happily to himself Jim gently pats Spock on the thigh before easing the now aching muscles of his legs up and into a standing position.

Whistling a happy tune he turns himself into the still warm water and finishes washing himself off before Spock can manage to stand up on shaky feet to join him.

Jim is first out of the shower, shadowed closely by Spock. A moment of rummaging produces a stack of fluffy ship issue towels and Jim tosses one to Spock before taking one and drying himself off.

Jim tosses the towel over the drying rack as he walks back out into the mess that were once Spock's quarters as Spock follows, viciously rubbing at his wet hair as he does.

Heaving a big sigh at the lack of a bed Jim gathers up his clothes before carrying them over to the replicator unit and rooting around until he finds his com. No blinking light or sirens started or finished during their little escape but Jim always liked to make sure every thing ran smoothly.

‘Captain to bridge, report.’

‘Bridge here Captain, nothing to report Sir.’ The voice of Uhura is calm and smooth but Jim’s sure he can hear the hurt underneath her businesslike address.

The intense surge of guilt and regret he feels is momentary, pushing it away as he clears his throat, ‘Thank you Uhura, Captain out.’

As soon as Jim cuts the com a wet swath of cloth falls unceremoniously on his head. He’s got a second to reach up and pull away the towel, before Spock pounces, dragging them heavily to the floor.

He would have laughed if he hadn’t lost all his breath during the tackle but he smiles as Spock lifts the towel out of the way to pull Jim into his arms.

He lets Spock just hold him, their arms wound tight about each other as they lay silently in the heavy, warm darkness.

He must have drifted off again, the heat and exhaustion of so much (as Spock would say) vigorous physical activity making him sleepy.

Briefly Jim's roused as Spock easily moves his Captain into the makeshift bed/nest he’s constructed in the corner beside the replicator unit and Vulcan handled with utmost care into its center.

Jim remembers being pulled against the taller man’s cool frame, his mates body pushing the oppressive heat of the room away. **_The little spoon once again_** he thinks blearily before drifting off into pleasant dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all,  
> Another update, Yay!  
> I hope you like this one. There will be some more drama lama chapters in future, Spock just needs to make it out of the grunting part of Pon Far before any of that happens. Will be soon, promise!  
> Once again thank you all for you beautiful comments, you guys really do encourage me to write more.   
> Laters,  
> Ficarella


	19. On My Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim has another dream and both our boys manage to get some much needed nourishment.

Running. So hard and fast his chest feels like it’s about to explode, the sound of heavy boots behind him giving chase making his head swim with fear. His chest feels too tight, his heart hammering on his ribcage, trying to get out and away. Tree’s flashing past faster and faster as he runs, the unseen twigs biting into his skin and tearing at his clothes as he fights past them all at blinding speed not caring if he gets cut, only that he gets **away**. He trips, the sensation making his stomach drop as he braces for the fall, hands outstretched to catch himself as the ground rises up to meet him… and wakes to the face of a very concerned looking Vulcan.

Jim’s breath comes in ragged gasps as he attempts to calm himself, the remembered fear making him shiver even in the heat of the room. **_God_** , Jim thought, cynicism leaking through, **_can I not go one single week without dreaming of fucking Tarsus_**? Jim thinks as he tries to find his calm and takes in the situation; pressed against the bedding, cold sweat drying on his shivering limbs as his first officer crouches over him bodily as if to shield him from some unseen assailant.

**_Shit, I think he felt all that_** Jim thinks, noting the venomous glare Spock uses to scan the room between concerned glances at Jim. He manages to get his breathing back into a semblance of normality and starts to push himself up, suddenly aware of how thirsty he is again. **_Bones will have my head if I die from dehydration under his nose_** , he thinks as a wry smile surfaces on his face.

‘Spock, I’m ok. Let me up. It was just a bad dream.’ Jim says, hands pressed against Spock’s shoulders to ease his friend away. Spock just stares down at him, eyes eerily blank yet dark and luminous.

Jim pushes against his friend, his strength barely making the deceptively heavy Vulcan budge, ‘Come on man, I need to get up. M’ thirsty.’ Spock doesn’t make any move to allow Jim up, just stays where he is, as if he can’t seem to understand that the danger has passed.

Frustrated now, Jim sighs and starts to wiggle his way out from underneath the suddenly un-accommodating Vulcan. He’s almost out when a hand wraps around his ankle and he’s dragged back into the blankets of the bed.

‘Hey!’ Jim yells as Spock folds himself around Jim again, his weight and Jim’s surprise making it easy for Spock to fold the smaller man against his body. ‘Spock, let me up. I have to get a drink; the heat is too much without it.’ Jim calmly tries to explain as he attempts to loosen the iron grip holding him in place. **_Why won’t he talk to me? What the fuck is this?_** Jim thinks as he manages to get an arm free and twist just so before rolling his weight away from his First officer and land himself out on the scratchy carpet of the room proper.

A low pitched growl starts up as Jim pushes himself up to his feet, swaying in little in the heat as the dehydration makes his head swim. Spock’s up too, crouched low to the ground in the middle of their bed, arms splayed out on either side with his hands making taught claws as he glares at Jim.

Jim brings his hands out in the human gesture of submission, carefully taking one, two, three steps around the now deadly Vulcan towards the replicator as he talks.

 ‘Spock, look, its ok. I just need to get some water. Shhh, don’t worry. I just need a second and then we can go back to whatever Vulcan snuggling you need alright?’ Jim keeps his voice smooth and even, not a hint of the fear or concern showing on his face.

Never taking his eyes off Spock for a second Jim manages to mash the buttons in the right order for a jug of water and two glasses to appear from the replicator slot.

The noise of the replicator makes Spock edgy, fingers twitching as if about to lunge forward any second as Jim grabs the jug and glasses and pours the water out into the cup before gulping it down greedily, sighing in relief once it’s down.

Spock’s posture eases minutely, hands relaxing from claw-like readiness to something more akin to his usual posture, silent now as he watches. Jim’s not sure if it’s because he isn’t scared any more or because Spock’s got Jim trapped in the corner but he’s glad that it feels like the danger has passed.

Jim lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and sags against the wall, the sudden relief making him giddy as he smiles widely. Jim, still watching Spock from the corner of his eye as he half turns to the replicator and punches up a massive bowl of high carb, high fat vegetarian pasta as well as several bottle topped containers that they usually only order for away missions. Carefully, so as not to drop anything, Jim moves it all over to sit just beside their bed nest before dropping back down heavily into the blankets.

Jim pours out a glass of water and holds it out tentatively to Spock, who’s still crouched in the middle of the bed, staring blankly at Jim.

Jim sights and waggles the glass at his friend. ‘It’s water. Drink it. I’m pretty sure you need it more than I do right now.’ Spock falls lightly on his knees, and, using both hands takes the glass from Jim. Jim watches as his friend; his smart, amazing super genius friend lifts the water to his face and delicately sniffs at it before levelling a stern glare at Jim before chugging the whole glass down in two seconds. Jim just stares as his Vulcan futilely attempts to tip more water out of the now empty glass.

**_It’s like the lights are on but there’s nobody home_** , Jim thinks as he drinks down his second glass, **_like he’s not even really here_**.  The thought makes Jim pale and he carefully guides Spock’s glass right way up again before emptying the last of the water from the jug inside. Spock downs the second glass same as the first and Jim has to prises the empty vessel from his hand before he can get too upset that the waters gone and do something rash.

To distract Spock, Jim pushes a spoon into his now empty hand and abandons the cups and jug beside the bed for the bowl of now perfect temperature food. Jim places the bowl between them before digging in, stomach growling as he shovels pasta into his mouth as fast as he can swallow the pieces down. Spock watches for a moment, still and silent before he abandons the spoon and grab out a hand full of pasta, using the other to pop the lightly flavoured pieces into his mouth. Jim just gapes, food abandoned somewhere between the bowl and his mouth to go cold as he watches Spock eat with his fingers. **_Of all the weird crazy shit of the last two-ish I think days, that has to be the weirdest_** , Jim thinks as he watches Spock eat. The man had always been fastidious in his use of cutlery, to the very point of pain at times and now, he’s sitting on blankets in a smashed up room eating fucking pasta with his fingers. His FINGERS!

**_This isn’t right. Something is definitely wrong._** Jim thinks, brow furrowed as he watches Spock finish his first handful of food and dive back in for seconds. Spock never ate with his fingers. Even when he’d broken his hand in that fall in the shuttle accident a few months back he’d insisted on cutlery, said that it was “inappropriate to use ones fingers regardless of the reason”. **_I watched him eat grapes with chopsticks last week_** Jim thinks as his mouth hangs wide enough to catch flies,

Jim shakes his head and keeps eating and manages to get a few more mouthfuls of pasta down before his stomach starts protesting about being too full and he decides to leave the rest of the bowl to Spock.

Jim just watches as Spock finishes up the last pieces, tosses it in, chews perfunctorily and swallows. Jim starts to ask if he’d like a napkin when Spock starts licking his fingers clean. A combination of satisfaction and zinging pleasure sweeps through the link and Jim manages to contain the gasp it attempted to elicit, eyes examining every detail of the man in front of him for any sign of what might be going on inside. Spock finishes cleaning off his hands and sits back on his haunches, staring blankly at Jim. Carefully, Jim puts all their food stuff off to the side with the water bottles and sits back down all the while attempting to look casual.

‘So Spock, what’s the deal? You never eat without, at the very least a spoon. This some kind of Vulcan thing? Only time every seven years you’re allowed off the manners train so you make the most of it?’ Jim tries to joke but his heart isn’t in it, too worried and confused to really give it a good go.

The confusion is echoed back at him, the brown eyes of his First, normally so expressive when in conversation with Jim now not really saying anything.

When was the last time Spock had said anything? Anything at all? Jim thinks hard, backtracking their conversations since this morning. Before the sex? Wait, no, there was one after, in the bathroom but after that Jim couldn’t remember Spock saying anything even remotely close to an actual word. Grunts and growls for sure, plenty of those but no actual **words**. Jim frowns as he stares at his friend, Spock doing an admirable impression of a marionette with its strings cut.

‘Fine, don’t help. I’ll figure it out on my own then. Stubborn Vulcans.’ Jim mutters before flopping backwards onto the makeshift bed to think.

Jim closes his eyes and relaxes his body, he’d been practicing this since Old Spock had given him the mental whammy. It wasn’t really meditation ( ** _Don’t have the time or patience for it_** ) but it does require him to relax and concentrate. It had taken him months but he’d finally figured out how to find the information Old Spock had left in his brain after the first one had popped open and he’d been getting better at finding and accessing them lately. Jim sifts through his memories looking for the one that doesn’t quite fit with all the others, the one that sticks out just a fraction from all the rest. Finally he finds it, inserted almost perfectly into his consciousness save for a few pointed angles that he doesn’t remember seeing at the time. He remembers the moment when it bloomed, the knowledge heavy as it dropped into his mind. He remembers the stuff he threw in Spock’s face; that a deep emotional and mental compatibility as well as intent is required for a link to be formed without a Vulcan priestess and that during this time Vulcan’s lose all control over their emotional and physical actions. Jim digs a little deeper into the memory and it’s like he’s hearing Old Spock reading from a text book, the words so clear in his mind. ‘That without the wilful joining of minds and bodies those Vulcan’s deep in the throws of Pon Far can be lost to the fever, willing mate or no, if the mental aspect of the ritual is not completed.’ **_Oh shit,_** Jim thinks, eyes wrenching open to stare at the relaxed form of his friend, **_this is bad. If we don’t ‘join’ or whatever the hell that means Spock will be stuck like this until he goes apeshit and dies. And all this will all have been for nothing. Oh yeah, and I might die too… shit._**

Jim’s panic must have stirred the latent protective instinct in Spock as he reaches out and gently pulls Jim close against himself, wrapping his long arms around Jim’s back as he cradles his Captain to his chest.

Jim just lets himself be held, his own fear at the thought of loosing his friend somehow easier to deal with sheltered in the sturdy arms of his First.

They stay like that until Jim’s lulled to sleep by the sound of his lady’s engines deep below and the beating of his mate’s heart, steady and reassuring against his palm.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know it's been - well over a year but like I've said I am still working on this. I'm just taking my sweet ass time.  
> Trying to keep this interesting while also not skipping over the nitty gritty which i find so interesting to write. Let me know what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone reading this I'd like to apologize in advance. This is my first Kirk/Spock fic and my first post on this site. Hopefully you like it.
> 
> Also, I don't own these characters or this property.
> 
> All my love,  
> Ficarella


End file.
